There Is No God

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If you dare to question or call out a narcissist, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people,

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I shouldn’t have stuck around like I did; I should have left that ‘relationship’ then and there, running for the hills, remembering pieces of my last relationship that were resurfacing, only in a slightly different manner.

But I wasn’t in a rational state of mind. Instead, depressed and distraught, I had nothing in my life without Ben except for HIV, and HIV had already killed my spirit. So I chose to take what little Ben would give in lieu of the perceived nothing I’d have otherwise. Our “friendship” was highly sexual and emotionally abusive, yet those that saw us together thought we were this perfect, happily married couple. Little did they know we weren’t anywhere near that.

dvThe relationship ensued, only Ben’s treatment would wax and wane from dream (fake) boyfriend to evil, sadistic child out to bully me on the playground. As time progressed this juvenile side seemed to be all I experienced. If I pissed him off which was increasing by the hour, his favorite way to punish me was with the silent treatment, similar to my ex, only Ben was already quiet, so it was hard to know when it started and stopped.

I found myself really confused with how things had taken a detour and felt like Ben enjoyed holding power over me; the awful silent treatment that drove me mad only ended when he decided to end it, whereas I couldn’t stop a thing.

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compromise.jpgBen would not budge in his unwillingness to date me. You couldn’t get him to budge much for anything, maybe occasionally when he’d benefit from something. He could be bright and cheerful when he wanted to be, but he always made sure I knew that he held all the power. He drove home hard the idea that he didn’t need me at all, whereas I needed him like a child needed a parent. He rarely (if ever) apologized for his behavior or mistakes, he believed that he was was perfect as is. He viewed anyone that thought he should change as the enemy. He was self-centered, he didn’t seem to have much concern for my feelings, and I was starting to see this one-sided friendship really drag me down. I was already feeling down so I knew this wasn’t healthy but I wh.jpgdidn’t know anyone else willing to take on my mess and tolerate the pathetic person I believed I’d become.

Ben met me after the most serious period of abuse, shock and fear I’d experienced in my life and I hadn’t begun to heal yet. He still had a lot fenced up inside him, also. But in a few months, he’d become mad when I brought up the topics of HIV or domestic abuse for discussion at all. He began placing rules on our sex, often under the guise that it was helping me:

You’re getting too attached so I’m cutting off the sex!

controldominanceIt seemed like he got off on putting me down, making it known that he called the shots and I didn’t. He made it evident that he had several Alex’s whereas I only had 1 Ben. But the moment he wanted sex, the rules were out the door. The friendship was very one-sided: if I wanted sex, he’d say no, that is, if he even answered at all, usually he deflected the question by bring up something unrelated. If he came over on his own accord, sex always happened, I didn’t say no because Ben seducing me became like breathing air, it happened all the time. Plus he’d walk right into my condo, taking his clothes off like it was nothing. A stupid part of me still believed that he had to view sex liarcheaterlike I did, as being special, as being sacred.

But no, Ben saw having sex like chewing a piece of gum. It was frustrating and I found myself rather jaded, and further isolated myself from the world. I began to notice that his compliments seemed back-handed:

You’re really attractive for an older man.

bsbranceI was 5 years older than Ben, and while it didn’t seem like he’d thrown that in there to insult me.

I couldn’t help but wonder if some of his statements weren’t intended to hurt me but were done in such a way that I couldn’t know for certain.

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CRACKS

Ben’s sadistic change in demeanor and behavior was perplexing, and I pressed him for more answers about this “dark side” he claimed to have. He didn’t want to discuss it, he didn’t want to fix whatever it was that he saw as “dark” and negative, and he didn’t want me even contemplating it:

WONTCHANGEWhat did I warn you about trying to figure me out? If I can’t begin to figure out myself, there’s no way can you. So don’t even try. I can’t change, I won’t change, and anyone that wants me to change is removed from my life.  And believe me when I say you don’t wanna understand my dark side.

Besides blaming his nuances on being an INFJ, the other explanation Ben gave regarding his “2 personalities,” the good and the bad, was:

That’s because I’m a Gemini.

geminiWhen I asked him to explain he’d just roll his eyes. So I didn’t ask again, at least not during round 1, the first period of us meeting.

I found it strange that he even had a name for this alter-ego but I didn’t question him further, I figured it was his way of coping with his abuse and a means of living in denial.

silenceinjury.pngI didn’t know what any of this signified or what I was actually dealing with behind the meek, boyish face and thick glasses.

Ben was mean and arrogant but would suddenly become pleasant and enjoyable to be around, especially if it wasn’t just the two of us. What confused me so much was how someone could treat me better than I’d ever been treated before, yet also treat me worse than I’d ever imagined. It seemed unreal that the same person could be responsible for both.

When he’d refer to our sex, he’d always have to add on a comment about how he didn’t need it, he could take it or leave it, and focus on our “friendship.” My eyes would be rolling in my head listening to that passive-aggressive crap, and what kinda “friendship” was Ben even working towards with me? He later came at me with more insults and jabs, frequently mentioning my lack of self-esteem, always reminding me that we’d never date, only having sex when he wanted it, and constantly bringing up what I referred to as my pre-planned demise” as he’d ask me:

What are you gonna do when I start dating? How are you gonna cope with that? You won’t be getting any sex from me then, how will you deal?

YES!!! It's great when people complain about drama they created themselves...He later claimed his comments were all done out of kindness so I wasn’t taken aback when he was suddenly dating. Only… that never happened; all that ever happened was him antagonizing me by constantly by bringing up how unworthy I was, whereas someone else out there was. He felt it necessary that I think about how I’d react when he someday found his next victim. This seemed to happen with a whole lot of topics, getting me all worked up over things that were coming down the pike, things I wouldn’t like so I needed to be forewarned a million times. Only nothing bad ever panned out. It made no sense to me – why get someone all stressed out and worked up over nothing? It seemed like such a waste of time and energy on his part, and completely draining emotionally on my end.

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 Ben got a kick out of bullying me, he enjoyed putting me down to feel better about himself. Constantly bringing up my end date was inhumane; here he’d met me after my first boyfriend-turned-satan infected me with HIV, he had the chance to make a positive impact in my life, but instead… all he could dwell on was my unworthiness, as well as my exit once someone that was worthy entered the picture. It was demeaning, it was cruel, and I blamed myself for doing something to cause him to change.

One night he looked at me half-way through sex and said:

You like this, don’t you?

I nodded, and he suddenly fired back:

Well if you don’t go out and fuck at least 2 other dudes by Friday, you’re not fucking with me anymore!
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My head began spinning, I was taken aback, I felt crushed. Who wants the guy they’re sleeping with to be sleeping with others? And why would he threaten to withhold sex from me if I didn’t go out and do something I didn’t want to do with others?  This  was really, really bizarre.

How Ben he went from treating me so wonderfully to mistreating me with cruelty and controlling remarks, using “sex as a weapon,” made no sense. Down the road when I’d bring up how he changed so abruptly, his excuse didn’t match what I remembered:

Image result for narcissist rewrite historyI was trying to make sure you didn’t get too attached; I wanted you to experience sex with guys outside of me. I knew I always wanted to be with you; I just knew it wasn’t the right time when we first met.

There were man other comments and attitudes that made Ben appear narcissistic in hind-site:

  • He felt he deserved 3 boyfriends, not just one; in fact I wasn’t even an under-study. He viewed himself as being special, deserving the best x 3; he wasn’t successful or wealthy but seemed to think he was so gorgeous and unique that he deserved everything magically.
  • He re-wrote history a lot, his recollection of events were often different than mine. He’d take all the insults and degrading comments and later paint them out to be tough love, encouraging me to be stronger, or wanting to protect me. It was all BS.
  • stripp.pngHe’d frequently point out  how lucky I was that, out of everyone else in the world, he’d “chosen” me. Ben acted like he was a Superstar in high demand.
  • He lied a lot, and about anything and everything I was finding out; he often seemed convinced he was telling the truth when I knew it to be different, he often lied about nothing even worth lying about. I began to feel like I couldn’t trust anything he said.
  • He told me that he only dated a guy, if they made the cut, for 30 days before disappearing on them altogether; why 30 days? “Because that’s when people really start to develop feelings, and he didn’t want to deal with others’ feelings since everyone fell in love with him. Damn. Ben sure felt high and mighty hidden behind his glasses. He also seemed to hint at how sticking around one place would let too much out about who he was, he was very secretive about his life for some reason, he told me little about his other friends, family and past.
  • He planned out all he did beforehand to a tee, and became upset when things didn’t go as planned or he when didn’t get everything he wanted.
  • He could certainly dish out the nasty; but the slightest criticism seemed to upset him like a child. I think this stood out more than anything to me as odd – he was SOOOO sensitive to the slightest criticism, even constructive.
  • He spoke constantly of his alter ego, his dark side, which he claimed I hadn’t come close to seeing yet, despite thinking one couldn’t get any darker than what I’d experienced.
  • He loved to hit me with the silent treatment but always denied doing it intentionally, blaming it instead on being introvert and an INFJ that needed “alone time.” It just so happened that the 4-day stretch of “alone time” always came after I challenged him or didn’t do what he wanted.
  • At the end of round 1 he informed me that he’d slept with 20 guys that month, likely an exaggeration as he lied about everything. I asked if he thought he had a sex addiction or was really that horny, and his response:
Sex isn’t about being horny. Sex is about power; sex is a weapon.

I realized then that Ben was likely on a hunt for all the power he could get, and he was certainly a huge advocate for firearms…

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Ben had no solid friendships, everyone in the gay scene knew him, but when we went out he was always alone with me; I never met any of his supposed friends.

He also described having a rough childhood where he had to take on “parenting” tasks as his folks were getting divorced and he had to hide it from his siblings. He said his father constantly told him to hide his emotions, punishing him if his feelings surfaced. Ben said his family moved every 2 years or so due to their employment, never having a sense of stability, never making solid friends, and never connecting with anyone for very long.

He’d frequently mention his desire to move, to leave all behind and escape his problems here for another place. I told him running away from problems didn’t leave the problems behind, it brought them with you. He disagreed; he recanted cutting all ties with his family for 3 years, moving across the country, trying to figure out his life; he said his problems remained back in the DMV, not following him where he went.

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He mentioned he had no issues disconnecting from his family during that period, never once speaking to them until he returned. He told me about a boyfriend he’d lived with for 4 years before one day deciding to up and leave him. He said his boyfriend had become complacent and Ben felt he was standing in the way of him reaching his potential. So Ben left him and, as a result, the ex was forced to grow up, go to college, and was now making a 6 figure salary:

Inarcswearyououtanddontwantyouinthened had no problems leaving him because I knew it was best for him; it forced him to grow up. Me leaving him was the best thing for him.

All I’d ever wanted in life was love, and I couldn’t imagine finally finding it and then, after 4 years, just leaving it behind when a good sit-down talk could have resolved matters. But to each their own… one thing was clear: Ben was confident in himself, he didn’t depend on the approval of others, he was fine being on his own, and he didn’t allow anyone to tie him down at all. Ben did what he wanted, there was no compromise, he was stubborn as hell, dead-set in his ways, and the people he deemed as “worthy” and “beneficial” to have around remained set in stone from the first greeting.

jh23At the time, while I found it odd, I respected Ben for sticking to his guns. I was insecure and often agreed to do things I didn’t want to do, whereas Ben would flat-out say no and didn’t end up in the same predicaments as I often did.

When it came to dating, he wouldn’t settle for anything other than his ideal mate; he had no issues explaining to me time and again how I didn’t fit his “ideal” and he refused to settle for less. Ben had all these ideals, all these visions for his future that he felt were necessary to be happy: he wanted kids, a great-paying job in information technology, he wanted to live by the beach, and he insisted on having a grand wedding.

Image result for fake friend narcissistWhile Ben didn’t seem to do many good things for me, I continued having my eyes out for his best interests. I noticed a lesion on his butt that appeared to be a rectal fissure or fistula, I wasn’t certain, but I knew it didn’t look good and it needed surgery. Through surgeons I knew from working in nursing, I managed to land Ben an appointment with the best of the best – a surgeon whose waiting list was 6 months long just for a baseline appointment – only I was able to shenagle it so that Ben was seen the next week. Like with his HIV meds, Ben didn’t seem all that appreciative, but then again, nobody wants surgery, and often people don’t appreciate their “peers” pointing out medical problems that need further investigation. I always seemed to find a way to justify Ben’s mean side for some reason.

Capture.PNGBen booked the surgery and I was more excited than he was – not that surgery is every a reason to be excited – but because he was in the best hands, and the area I saw looked infected. So regardless of what Ben thought, I knew I was helping him out a great deal.

I was far from perfect, but I believed I was a good friend to Ben, I believed that I put his best interests before anything else, and just as I’d aimed to do (regardless of his frequent immature treatment), I felt like I was being the best friend I could to him. I thought it might even rub off a bit on him and he’d start being more kind; that never happened.

Discard: January, 2015wsk

pin.PNGHelping Ben out and having it go unnoticed wasn’t insulting, but eventually I found myself becoming more and more bummed in the relationship. My self-esteem was falling by the minute based on how he made me feel so… ugly, so run-of-the-mill, and so not exciting.

One day I was online and I typed the phrases “sex as a weapon” and “dark alter ego” into Google; up came article after article on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As I read them, something jumped out to me: the way both Ben and my ex treated me – initially putting me on this pedestal and inundating me with so much love, that feeling of finally finding my soul mate, making 57ec35d5e5297c1113e1c00cb9a99cb6those grandiose promises of our future adventures together; then the total opposite, nothing but cruelty and resentfulness, the bullying and withholding kindness, love and sex – it seemed to mirror my experiences with both perfectly. As I read about the traits of a narcissist – feeling entitled, believing they deserve special treatment, having no empathy towards others, exploiting others for personal gain – I was shocked as these traits seemed to capture both guys to a tee. I was hit with a frightening reality: both my ex and my current were likely narcissists. Only at the time, after reading these brief articles, my understanding of narcissism was limited and basic, simply traits and having the same romantic trajectory.

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discardsubI was certain Ben had a bit of a narcissistic personality, thinking that’s why nobody could figure him out, thinking that’s why he had a dark side he kept hidden yet warned me not to cross.

So I sent Ben an email and included a portion of the articles in it, asking him if perhaps he thought that was why he had a “dark side” and might explain some of his nuances. Ben had really hurt me with his mistreatment, but I didn’t think the email was hurtful. I thought it would make him aware that what he was experiencing could be explained and maybe even curtailed. Little did I realize that was a topic one never should address with a narcissist…

Ben called me 2 days later, having gotten out of surgery earlier that day. When I asked him how things went, his response surprised me:

Things went very well. Oh – I read your email by the way. And you will never hear from me or speak to me again. I’m blocking your number in my phone when I hang up, and you’re outa my life forever! Goodbye!

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critic.jpgSuddenly the distinct feeling I got when my ex up and vanished, refusing to explain a thing, leaving me completely confused and hopeless, came back full-force.

Why had he gotten so offended by what I wrote? After all, he was mistreating me really badly, this was at my lowest of the lows in my life, Ben had the chance to be a true friend, a role model, but instead he chose to treat me like crap. Why would some articles about narcissism – or one word for that matter, narcissist – create such a whirlwind of animosity towards me? I didn’t get it, but what I did get was Ben’s never-ending silent treatment: I was discarded just as he said I would be. I had never felt so much like the ugly duckling, and I was swamped with humiliation and confusion. Ben, albeit having issues, felt like family to me for some odd reason, and initially he’d treated me like gold. How he suddenly didn’t find anything wrong at all by discarding me made my stomach sink to the ground. I tried for several weeks to get him to cave, I reached out repeatedly by email and using my home phone, which he quickly blocked, as well. Ben’s stubborn ways made certain that his word was the only word, and that I’d be banished from his life for suggesting he had narcissistic traits. And the truth was: he did, big time. Only I didn’t realize just how big, I thought he was selfish, vain, overly confident when he didn’t have the accomplishments to match, and a slight bully.

callout.pngWhat had I done to him that was so wrong? I’d endured his abuse, and when I called him out on it, he ensured that I was further abused for crossing him. Maybe I’d forced him to view himself as he truly was instead of the perfect, all-American boy he wanted to pretend he was. Was that the reason he got angry, because Ben couldn’t handle that the “ideal” self he claimed to be was just a phony?

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While the ending of my last relationship changed my life in a way that could never be repaired, my ending with Ben might have took what little hope I had left…

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…and threw it into a deep, dark, ravine that kept leading further into darkness…

…and it would only get darker until Ben finished off what he’d started. While I’d read a few articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder at that point in time, I didn’t understand what it signified; I didn’t know it was a psychopath basically – the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, the absolute worst head-ache of a psychological disorder on the planet. I never thought Ben was some sort of monster or human predator; I believed he had narcissistic tendencies and attributed his behavior to his rough life experiences, to being pimped out at a young age, and to the life he encountered escorting. Nobody is inherently evil, right?

I viewed Ben as a person who was inherently good deep-down but just confused. Even while he mistreated me, I’d remained quite fond of him and kept on waiting for him to apologize. Only that never seemed to happen, ever… I’d believe Ben had apologized for certain things only, with a second read, I’d come to discover his words weren’t actually expressing his regret.

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Several months later, I got word that my neighbor, John, had been arrested: he ended up getting thrown in the slammer for 9 years. And that was with a plea – he’d been slated for 40 years I believe. It was a shame, losing his wicked sense of sarcasm and his pursuit of anything that could seep out dopamine.  It was a shame knowing John’s whole life was taken from him in an instant.

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It was on one random day that winter that I received a call from police detectives about John. They wanted to speak with me in person, and I went; I had little knowledge about the inner-workings of John’s operation; it seemed odd that, of all people, I got contacted. I answered their questions and then went on my way. It seemed rather out-of-place, very strange, and was frightening. One remark they made seemed particularly out of place, although another 2 years would pass before I sensed it was them foreshadowing my demise with some inside humor: they cautioned me against using online gay hook-up sites, saying they could be “bad news.”

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I didn’t know what all he’d been into, and his operation was apparently huge, he was into lots of bad stuff. I’d taken care of his cat when he’d leave town and, that one summer, we’d hung out quite a bit. Other than that, it’s not like we went way back. I didn’t think I was of much use to the detectives. I sure was glad when it was over and thought “thank God I’ll never have to see them again!” I thought it was just one random event in my chaotic life. I never thought to connect this with anything else…

…at least not until one day in the future, down the road, when there would be no other way to explain the conundrum I’d inexplicably find myself enmeshed in.

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While our relationship only lasted a few months, our abrupt ending without closure seemed to haunt me indefinitely. I didn’t know why I felt such a strong bond with Ben, especially since he treated me like dirt; nonetheless, I felt this strange closeness to him regardless. Why was he blind to the fact that he went out of his way to mistreat, bully and torment me? Why was that OK to do, but asking that question was such a huge offense?

There is no greater narcissistic injury than being exposed for the phony he or she really is. To lose the hold of the False Self, and have his mask ripped down exposing the true distorted, horrific shameful personality is akin to emotional annihilation for an individual with narcissistic personality disorder. He or she will react with incredible vengeance, retaliation and maliciousness. The narcissistic personality may stop at nothing to exact punishment, which includes but is not limited to the destruction of a person’s reputation with vicious smear campaigns, using any pathological and even criminal method to destroy the person’s life and the narcissist will cause mayhem and havoc to any other person who just happens to get in the way.

Suddenly I was left with nobody in my life. One day I stumbled upon Tim, that guy that I’d met through John several months before. We tried dating for a split second, but we weren’t a good match. But as friends, we seemed to get along just fine. Tim seemed low-key and a good guy; the two of us would go on remain “just friends,” almost best friends, for some time to come. But I didn’t feel that magnetic connection to Tim like I had with Ben. Ben had somehow managed to “grab” me in a way that left me overlooking all the abusive treatment he dished out, despite it making no logical sense at all. I tried repeatedly reaching out to him, but Ben wouldn’t cave, he maintained his silent treatment no matter what.

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Narcissists can’t take criticism because it deflates the false self they have created that takes place of their true one. Narcissists are the most sensitive people on earth and take criticism very badly, which is ironic since they seem to insensitive to everyone else. But the effort of maintaining the false self is too great for them to afford to care about anyone else’s feelings but their own.

Not realizing the insult I’d dealt his ego, I’d wounded Ben tremendously by asking that question. But I didn’t understand why that one word had such a massive impact on him. I concluded that he must be a narcissist since the word created such a shit storm, otherwise – why would he be bothered? I knew that word carried some personal significance for him to erupt the way he did, whereas to me it just meant having the vague traits mentioned in articles (entitlement, lack of empathy, thinking they deserve special treatment, grandiosity, etc…). I guess those aren’t compliments obviously – but for all the nastiness Ben spent months throwing at me, I still don’t think it came close to matching the level of cruelty I experienced. But Ben was extremely sensitive to criticism, that part I’d kinda forgotten, nonetheless, he sure knew how to dish out the nastiness every chance he had with me. So Ben blowing up over one word seemed beyond ridiculous, it seemed hypocritical, it made no sense to me; at least not back then…

If you dare to question or call out a narcissist, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.

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If there’s one thing you read and remember, it’s the below; it was in reading this that all the strange events in my life suddenly made sense. Finally I knew exactly what was going on. While the below may seem like sci-fi, it’s not, and it’s the stereotypical smear campaign waged exclusively by those with Narcissistic or other Cluster B Personality Disorders.

WHEN a malignant narcissist is exposed, he abuses to no end to destroy the offender; be aware that the abuse includes character assassination – the annihilation of who you are as a person. They begin the nightmare with recruitment by proxy, with their harem AKA flying monkeys that often lay the foundation with their dirty work. Just as through murder a careful criminal leaves no witnesses, a malignant narcissist is careful to abuse on the sly and destroy the victim’s credibility in advance in order to “leave no witnesses.” Character assassination is the premeditated murder of the target’s image, their good name, their reputation and ultimately their life. It takes extreme treachery to replace an authentic self destroyyouwith a false image of that person, and who is better skilled to do that than a sneaky malignant narcissist. Take a look at their lives, who they appear to be and who they really are. They don’t connect with reality. They live in a fictitious world of smoke and mirrors where appearances are all that matter. Narcissists only identify with their false image and they expect you to identify with the false image they invent of you. They NEED you to appear to the world the way they NEED you to be. It’s your life according to the narcissist’s script. If you have been on the receiving end of a malignant narcissist post-abuse cover-up/character assassination then you know this can create terrifyingly bizarre scenes that make you wonder if you are living a nightmare. In fact, things can become so strange and surreal that if you were to try and explain what the narcissist just pulled-off, people would think you are tripping on psychedelic drugs. This is where I have to hand it to those crazy evil demons: they create scenarios that are so inexplicable their victims are left tongue-tied.

projectnarcMalignant Narcissists will do whatever, and I mean whatever it takes to cover their tracks – including, inflicting MORE damage on to the victim. In fact, the narcissist’s post-abuse cover-up is always more destructive than the original crime. The severity of the malignant narcissist’s crime is of no significance to the MN. Whether they get CAUGHT lying to police or snooping through your sock drawer, the gaslighting and cruelties they inflict to try and silence the witness, never match the crimes they are in the process of covering-up. In the malignant narcissist’s eyes, the victim is expendable. For example, the malignant narcissist mother doesn’t give a damn if she destroys her daughter’s life to the point where she ends up destitute and living on the streets, just as long as people never “believe” what the daughter says about her being a bad mother. See what I’m saying? Their maliciousness reaches delusional proportions as they become obsessed with protecting their false image and ruining their victim so they can remain superior… and triumph. It’s very important for the malignant narcissist to WIN at all costs.

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Come to find out the absolute worst thing you can do to a narcissist is call them out on being a narcissist. They can’t tolerate criticism or real or imagine threats at all, and having the truth about them discovered is their biggest fear, it would result in them losing everything if the world knew they were pure evil. The narcissist insists on being in charge of reality, they insist on being recognized by the “false self” they project to the world. Failure to do so leaves the narcissist wounded, fearing exposure of their “true self,” and so they lash out in an attempt to silence the offender forever, waging a smear campaign to destroy them. Calling out a narcissist is akin to strapping a bomb to someone’s body that’s set to detonate at some point in time, albeit a minute or 10 years down the road. It’s not a question of if it will explode, it’s only a matter of when it will blow up, it’s 100% guaranteed to blow you to bits when you least expect it.

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Who would have known the word narcissist could create such an explosion? Definitely not your average non-narcissist, definitely not me.

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It would be 18 months into my subsequent relationship with Ben down the road before I finally realized the reality of this disorder. Narcissists have nothing good to offer anyone, they are always dangerous; narcissists are the epitome of all things evil, they may act like they love you, but narcissists love no one. They are incredible actors, they can dupe anyone, even experts, especially with their pity plays. Behind the fake smile and kind words and gestures, the narcissist hates you, they hate everyone, and the life of a narcissist consists of destroying every person they can maim without getting caught. And they’re extremely successful in doing so.

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By asking Ben if he was a narcissist on that dreadful day, I’d sealed my fate for the rest of my life, or at least for several years to come…

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Oops!

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My bad!

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But how was I supposed to know that?

Image result for question markFirst and second songs composed / performed by me, and written for Ben.

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