Forget the fact that I’d done lots for him, was providing with a place to stay, was paying for everything in his life, and was putting up with the paranoid antics and cheating accusations he’d throw at me like grenades. Because, he now claimed, I only wanted bad things for him; I only wanted him to do poorly in whatever it was that he did; and I wanted to outshine him at all times, as well. I didn’t understand at all why he was always blaming me for anything bad in his life, and the way he came to conclusions confused the hell out of me. It was like he’d go from 1 + 2 to equaling evil, instead of equaling 3.
What was going on here? Why was he creating this life and throwing it on me as if it existed – and he behaved as if he was 100% certain it did. I’d never once given him anything to suggest I was being dishonest with him. But nothing seemed to convince him otherwise. I did whatever I thought would show him he could trust me; I just wanted to see him happy again, I’d have given all I had to resuscitate the man I first met. I was able to give him some money each week to get around via metro, to get out and do things, to job hunt; it wasn’t a fortune but it was all I had to offer. Yet his only response was that I never showed him I loved him at all. Instead, I gave him money just to prove that I could, he claimed; he insisted I gave him money to show I had power, not love. It was very, very frustrating – why could he not see reality? Why was he only seeing darkness? Why could he not attempt to even see things through my eyes and insist on only his eyes being universal to all, including me?
Instead of retreating, this made me, the fool, try all the more to show him that he was loved by me, that his perception was not accurate. But his decline continued. He stopped cleaning the place and making dinner which he seemed to enjoy doing before. It was never an expectation, it was something he took pride in doing – but this ceased to happen again. Instead he started sleeping all day long.
One day when his dog was staying with Steve, he was to take mine out in the AM after I left for work to use the bathroom. I came home, however, to find him still asleep – and the dog had never gone out, and held her bladder all day long. She ended up with a UTI, costing me over $300 at the vet, and never once did he apologize for playing any role in it. He’d accuse me of displaying emotions that I didn’t typically display: except when he brought those emotions out in me. I’d react in a manner that made his claim appear accurate. For example, he’d say that I treated him poorly. I’d reply, we’d bicker, and the moment I lost my cool and yelled, he’d be quick to point out:
See: look how you’re speaking to me, you really are evil!
Or else he’d accuse me of having feelings that I knew for a fact I didn’t feel, but he, on the other hand, presented as if he did. For example, he’d say that I was jealous – jealous of what, I never did find out what he was thinking. I wasn’t a jealous person, but on the other hand, he was constantly accusing me of wanting every guy that I saw; he was the jealous one not me, but he couldn’t see it that way.
If I arrived home after work without a smile, he’d pout or full-out throw a tantrum; this was
often a sign that I wasn’t happy to see him as opposed to me having a stressful day or commute home.If I failed to call him at least 4 times during the work day, or God forbid showed up 30 minutes late getting home, he’d often accuse me of cheating. One accusation I heard repeatedly was that I was having sex in the bathroom at work with a stranger. Ummm… ewww?!?!? The thought of hooking up amidst the aroma of poo was a complete turn-off, not to mention I wasn’t cheating with anyone. He needs to stop fixating on cheating, I kept thinking. He needs to realize that not all people in the world are like the cheaters he seemed to never be able to avoid in his past. And he needs to stop sitting around all day, doing nothing, I kept telling myself.
He was bored, that was obvious, and it was costing him every last bit of light inside of him. That night I first met him, and I heard it repeated throughout the course of our relationship, was his criticism of other gay men being promiscuous whores. But based on the background he shared with me, he was every bit as bad, if not worse, than the gay men he loathed. The same applied to his disdain for drama – he ALWAYS said how much he hated drama, yet… it seemed to follow him everywhere. In my opinion, he was the one that created his drama, and frequently drama experienced by others – he was the one creating things that didn’t exist and then flipping out over them. Rather than acknowledge he may be contributing to any negativity in his life, it was always displaced onto someone or something else; and for now, it was all being thrown onto me. He would just be straight up nasty at times – like he wanted to instigate an argument for the sake of arguing.
We would be getting along just fine and suddenly he’d provoke me with some odd accusation that had nothing to do with what was going on – for what reason, I didn’t know, but I attributed it all to his fall from grace, his discontent in losing his work, his independence, and his pride. But what I was seeing, although then I didn’t fully realize it, was a person that was hollow of all positive feeling and thinking at his core, he was void of self-insight, he didn’t actually have an ounce of the beauty, humor and charm I’d come to fall in love with. He was darkness. What happened to cause this change? I drove myself mad trying to figure this out. When it came to sex between us, he claimed suddenly that he could do without it, that it wasn’t magical at all anymore. All I wanted to do, he declared, was fuck, I never made love, I never cuddled with him, I just fucked. When we initially met, I had minimal sexual experience under my belt and he was my “first” for the majority of sex acts in my lifetime. He was the one that pretty much taught me how to have sex, he molded me into the sexual being I was. I found this rather ironic, and always… completely false. After he’d have an orgasm, he never wanted to cuddle, he’d just flop down and become distant, cold. Then it was as if he started “fucking” with my mind just to make me feel like I was losing it, like I was going crazy.
He’d frequently call me on my way home from work with the ask me to grab something for him. One common request: he loved this pricey Gelato, and he’d ask me to get it on the way home. He’d frequently bring up sex: how he was horny and couldn’t wait for me to get home, how he had this amazing scenario all ready to go. I’d get worked up, and I’d get him the Gelato (regardless of this because I’m a push-over) but every single time… I somehow managed to screw it up by getting a flavor he didn’t like.
You can’t get anything right, can you? I told you I hated that flavor, and you went and got it just to spite me!
But the last time this was the flavor that you said you liked, and now this time you say the opposite. I’m not dumb – I even took a picture and sent it to you, asking if this was the flavor you wanted – you said yes.
I have a very good memory, it’s one of my strengths. Yet when it came to his nuances and requests, I was selectively a moron. I even took pictures of the flavor he liked, and the other he hated so I’d succeed, but I ALWAYS got it incorrectly. Had I bought both simultaneously I’d wager he’d still only see 2 detested flavors, or maybe he’d see the same exact things even though they clearly looked different. I couldn’t make sense of how what I saw was not what he saw, especially when discussing the past. His versions were always rather different than mine, and when I’d try and correct him – he’d lash out and insist I was “fucking” with his mind. I wasn’t, and like I said, I had a great memory, I play piano by ear, I can hear a song once and play it right back… this wasn’t normal. But why? I was destined to find out and fix. Why? Because I’m an empathetic fool that didn’t know people exactly like him did exactly the same unbelievable thing from Beijing to London. In regards to the sex he promised awaiting me at home, it never happened, he refused, he’d blame it on his anger over me not paying attention to the “little things” that made him happy, it was a sign of my lack of “true love.” He coined the phrase “using sex as leverage” and he openly admitted to using sex to manipulate me into doing things for him. At times he’d cut off sex all together. He’d also refuse to speak to me or acknowledge my presence, which could last for hours to days. I later found out this was a form of psychological abuse known as the silent treatment, and it drove me fucking mad. While I didn’t know this, my only reason for moving him in was for “easy access to sex” with him, not because I loved him, according to him at least. And another other conclusion he insisted on: since opening my eyes to sex, I now felt the need to go out and experience this with “others.” That, and more about how I didn’t show him love, how I was merely all talk and no action; these statements fit perfectly – in describing him, not me. While I realize this is subjective, he was assigning characteristics to me that were characteristics of either him, or as far from me as possible.No matter how rationally I would discuss things with him, it seemed impossible for him to see my point of view, or to even consider it. He only saw the things that supported his predisposed beliefs – I could show him irrefutable evidence to the contrary. He’d claim I was at a location where I wasn’t, and I’d take a photo with my smart phone, time and date-stamped; yet he’d say I altered the photo. Ummm… I don’t know about you, but I don’t walk around with pre-fabricated photos to disprove lies. That’s not normal. This wasn’t making any sense, and I was beginning to feel royally mind-fucked. He was adamant that I treated him like property, that I ignored him constantly, and that I only was using him for sex and nothing else. He felt that I was keeping him hostage in my home yet… he could go anywhere he wanted, anytime he wanted, I never asked him not to do anything. Not once did I ever stand in his way of going out, or meeting one of his friends; friends that I heard lots about, but still… hadn’t met but the one that night he broke the DVD player. In fact I was in desperate need of “alone” time, I wanted him to go out because he was always home when I was… and beginning to always pick fights, as well.
I was the root cause for everything bad in his life – yet what I’d done was provide him with the basic necessities of living so his life could be all the easier. It made me feel like all the time, effort and money I’d put into this one-sided relationship was being done in vain. Because if he couldn’t recognize that something required a great deal of my time, effort and money, why bother? Clearly it was because I didn’t love him that I did these things… yeah, right. Rather than accepting the obvious, rather than ending the relationship and return to being single and depressed, I stupidly thought I could change this. Like I often did, I put myself in his shoes, I tried to see things from his perspective; I tried to imagine how depressing life would be with little job prospects in my future, translating to little finances to live off of. I thought about how boring it must be for him to sit around alone all day long. I could justify how his upbringing, his dad’s death from AIDS, all the cheating that surrounded him, left him overly paranoid about cheating and having difficulty trusting anyone. I didn’t find his reactions to be acceptable, however; but I viewed them as his way of poorly coping with his life stressors and depression. I believed he was clinically depressed at this point. But then what took over our life completely is that one topic that brought us together: cheating. Not like it hadn’t already damaged things quite a a great deal, but he then began to accuse me of cheating with everything and anything that had a penis and a pulse. It got to be a shit show.It all started out that one day when his friend had stopped by. And little by little, a cheating accusation here and there. And then… cheating, cheating, cheating as far as the eye could (not) see. What was going on here?!?!? How I managed to find myself in this position, I don’t know; it’s like it started out small and snowballed into a one, big giant world of cheating paranoia. But before I knew it, my life became nothing more than one, giant cheating inquisition. Every single thing I did or said led him to blame me for cheating. Yet not once had I done anything at all to illicit his suspicion – and never once did I accuse him of cheating, either. But it was all he could focus on, all he was doing was dwelling on the thought of me cheating, he was calling me at work 30 times a day begging me to take… a polygraph test. WTF?!? He accused me of cheating with, having slept with, or wanting to sleep with just about everyone. I had a hot guy living with me, my boyfriend was good-looking and a freak in bed; what more did I need? He may have been extremely jealous and insecure, I was learning, but physically he was on-point. Why would I want to downgrade from a Rolls Royce to a Chevy Cavalier? I wouldn’t, I can’t imagine anyone would. I was just… confused… offended… annoyed. He’d lived a rather promiscuous life in his past; but it was as if he could only see others, including myself, as living that way, too. He couldn’t grasp the concept that I was very conservative sexually and that I had become sexual with him because we were in a relationship – and only opened up after we had been tested for HIV repeatedly. That mindset wasn’t going to suddenly leave me once he and I had condom-less sex together, as a couple. To me, our sex was sacred, we worked to get to the point where we could trust each other and not worry about sex without condoms, it had become the only time a fight was guaranteed not to occur. But he saw my desire to have sex with him and assumed I felt that way towards everyone. I don’t know honestly if he was thinking that, if he was truly delusional, or if he was making this all up just to fuck with m head. But regardless of his motives he was ruining my life, and our relationship.
He became so possessive and jealous that I didn’t see the majority of my friends for probably 9 months as a result. We stopped leaving the condo altogether because when we did any male that came across our path was a suspect. Everywhere we went, I heard the same damn words repeated over and over again:
Don’t think I’m stupid… I know what you did.
Well, I sure didn’t know what I’d done, nor he was talking about – yet I was putting up with this misery – so clearly I was the stupid one.One day I was home from work, with a gastrointestinal virus and was sick with nausea, vomiting and diarrhea; he’d witnessed me puking. And as I went to lie back down in bed, he followed me and asked me to have sex. “No, I’m really sick, I’m not in the mood at all, plus whatever this is you don’t want to catch it by being intimate with me.” He blew up, claiming that I was “saving [my] load for other guys,” that’s why I didn’t want sex at that time, not because I was puking. Something as obvious as me being physically sick wasn’t enough explanation for him to feel pretty certain I wasn’t cheating. This had gotten ridiculous. What the fuck was going on here?!?!?!?
Where did my boyfriend go? How could this much stress create an evil person when he was kind and loving? I started doubting myself; and questioning my own sanity. I couldn’t sleep, concentrate, work; this was taking a mental and physical tole on me. I knew no matter where I went, whether he talked to me there by phone or not, and regardless of arriving late or early I could expect one thing: to be told I’d been out cheating on him with God knows who, it could be anyone… well except the types of guys I’d go for. It was never someone I found attractive, like always, it was old guys that he would have slept with in his hay day. So proof, I was certain, would win him back, and turn him once again into the perfect mate I’d met 11 months before.So I started taking pictures everywhere I’d go, all the time, time and date-stamped but now always buying something so I’d have a receipt that matched; I’d save anything I came across with a name and location on it to prove that I had been doing what I said I’d done; I even took a picture on a family vacation just to prove I wasn’t there with another guy, which he was suddenly claiming. He claimed the photo was old, he tried to say I looked several years younger in the photo. I’d just taken it. And he was supposed to go on the vacation with me but we’d gotten into a heated fight right beforehand, and he refused; so he knew where I was going all along yet managed to behave like he was certain I’d made up everything, and then somehow created this fight to keep him home and hidden from the truth. It was ridiculous. I kept on taking photos though, at least I knew it was proof if he denied it, and of course, each time he either looked at a photo and brushed it off, saying it was taken at another time or place, and then he came up with a new one:
You have software to do that, you altered that.
WTF? It was straight out of my damn cell phone, and he knew I knew technology as well as I knew sex before we met. Once he insisted his friend had purchased me clothing, and so (see below) I took a photo of the receipt laid over top of my credit card, you could clearly see the last four digits on the card matching the receipt.
But when I showed it to him instead of acknowledging the obvious, he freaked and started crying:
Those last 4 digits are the same last 4 digits to Steve’s credit card! And I just confirmed that, too!
WTF?!?!?!? Where was he getting this crap from? And I, at the time, was becoming so confused that I started to think I was the crazy one, I actually believed that whoever his friend was must have somehow randomly ended up with a credit card having the last 4 numbers as mine! But still… my receipt had my name on it, I tried explaining this to him, but he wouldn’t consider my side of the story. I wanted to put my head through the wall. No explanation I gave, no amount of proof, would ever seem to be enough to prove the obvious. He’d claim I lied about my work schedule, that I worked an alternate work shift unlike the one I told him; and that I had taken off to go hook up with “the others” during the time I was supposed to be at work. My time-card as evidence didn’t relieve his concerns in the slightest. Go figure…
On another day after a visit to the doctors, I came home to find him angry again:
Do you think I’m stupid? I know what you’ve been doing! You’re not sick at all…
I showed him my doctor’s note and a prescription bottle filled that day – and his response frightened me:
You created all that. You used software to make the label on that bottle and the letter.
What software does this? I demand he explain how this is logistically possible, and he just diverted it with an angry statement that made no sense followed, by the silent treatment. The damn silent treatment, he knew how to use that, only I didn’t know at the time this was a known manipulation technique; I thought it was just his way of being angry, of ignoring me and exerting power. And it worked, though, it drove me mad, and left me confused and dumb-founded. The way he treated me, the way he spoke to me, was with pure hostility and animosity; my neighbors would listen through the walls, how could they not, and approach me afterwards:
Why are you putting up with this shit? He’s abusing you emotionally, verbally. He speaks to you and through the walls, he sounds like Satan. We love you, Alex, we’ve known you for years now. But this is impacting us; we can’t sleep because of the fighting. It has to stop, because you’re leaving us no choice but to call the police if this continues.
I’d confront him, he’d find a way to blame me, and then I’d say he had to leave because this wasn’t stopping – no matter how much I insisted it stop – and the neighbors were gonna call police; and I wasn’t about to be arrested, lose my nursing license and my job over his non-existent, paranoid, delusional suspicions he claimed were fact. But his reply came as no surprise to me whatsoever, he was turning out to be one nasty young man to say the least:
Go ahead, because I have nothing, and I have nothing to lose. You have everything, and you’ll lose everything and know just what it feels like to be me. Only not as hot.
I wanted to explode. I locked myself in my room for hours. I was literally sick to my stomach; I couldn’t hardly walk, I felt like I was sick with the flu. My head was spinning, I couldn’t see straight, and I felt like a prisoner in my own home – and by a guest who I’d footed the most expensive bill of my lifetime for. How could he be so ungrateful? How could he attack the person that provided him everything he insisted on having? I was sick beyond belief…I’d provide him with concrete evidence refuting all his claims; but not one single time was he convinced after, maybe, the second week that I was being honest. To make matters worse, sometimes he’d see the exact opposite in what I was showing him. No matter what, he could only see what he wanted to see, it was impossible for him to see anything else. What was giving him this insane imagination? How could someone so normal, so calm and collect, so much like me suddenly become something illogical, irrational, cruel and nasty 95% of the time? I say 95% because when things got really ugly, he’d pull an about face: he’d treat me lovingly, it felt just like when we’d met, and I thought, “Whatever had taken him over has finally gone away.” But as soon as I took a sigh of relief, his evil nemesis was back to make me think I was crazy, or I was too sensitive, or I was overthinking everything. So I decided I’d stop second-guessing myself or him and just shut up. But that, of course, didn’t work either. He’d just go silent and walk off for hours, sometimes days, on end.
NOW, IT’S TIME TO PLAY… WHOSE PENIS IS THIS?!?!?
One night I was asleep in bed and he woke me up to show me a picture on his phone, asking, “Is this picture your penis?” I figured it was some kind of trick question. It’s not mine, at least I didn’t think so, it kinda resembled it, but I didn’t know what to say to avoid a disaster. “Um… did I send that to you?” He turned into a monster instantaneously: “You’re online right now, you’ve created fake fucking profiles, ‘Mr. MD-69’! I knew it was you, and you think I’m that stupid?” Ummm… “I’m asleep dude. ASLEEP. Because I have to work tomorrow early to pay for us to fucking live, how the hell could I be on a phone app with a fake profile, you’re in the other room! And you insisted we delete all our profiles after we met, and I did. And you’re accusing me of having created fake profiles with no proof; except you’ve proven that you have created fake profiles for this sites. You’ve been doing this shit, and accusing me of doing them without a shred of evidence. You’re a hypocrite.”
This was the norm of what happened 20+ times a day – situations that weren’t physically or logistically possible were always happening in his mind, I could be sitting on the couch watching TV – and out of nowhere he’d come at me, accusing me of infidelity with a level of detail to his claims that were so specific I didn’t know what to say; I couldn’t speak at times, I was just shell-shocked, and he’d seize the moment to claim how my lack of response was an admission of guilt; no, it was an admission that I’d officially lost my mind trying to follow his. He’d go from smiling to pissed off for no reason, I’d ask what now, what was the latest creation, and I never would get an answer; the response was always the same:
You know why! You know what you did! Don’t think I’m stupid!
I was clearly the stupid one, however, because I was putting up with a jealous boyfriend that spent 99% of our time together accusing me of nonsense.
A typical scenario:
We go out for dinner at an upscale pizzeria, I get up to use the bathroom, come back, and he’s switched seats. “Thanks, babe, you gave me the booth side to sit in, that was kind of you.” He roars back at me, “Fuck no. I gave you that seat so you could have a full view of what you’ve been staring at all night long.” Come again? What? “You’ve been looking at that guy back there all fucking night!” I look: I don’t even see anyone. “I’m looking back there because that’s where the pizzas come out of the oven, and ours is taking way too long.” That’s what I’m seeing. But what he sees always has a penis attached. I’ll take him out to dinner, to a happy hour, to anything, I’ll be the one spending the money, driving, paying to park… and it is useless, it is a waste, it’s all done in vain. No activity, no place, no substance distracts him from his cheating obsession. It makes absolutely no sense how this has become so out of control. He’s hot one moment, the next cold; loving one second, the next telling me how horrible I am. Nothing is logical, my head feels like it’s spinning half the time.I’ll never forget this one. While seated at a holiday dinner with my family, he turned to me and said:
All families have their skeletons in the closet. I know you’ve hooked up with your bother in law, I can tell by the way you look at him.
WHAT? I stand up angrily, and drag him into the bathroom:
Are you fucked up?
He later blamed this on me for allowing him to drink wine for the first time in months, there was no apology of course, and despite blaming it on me and the wine – he still would wax and wane about his suspicions over my brother-in-law being true versus him being inebriated. It didn’t really matter anymore, our relationship had unraveled. Everywhere went a fight erupted. It always began the same, he’d look at me and say those words: “You know what you did, I’m not stupid…” And I’ll sit there, stumped, saying to myself: “What have I done? Nothing.” Although one thing I begin to acknowledge: I am stupid. Stupid for putting up with this abuse. I would try explaining to him that he was creating so much chaos and confusion in my life that I wasn’t able to focus, I couldn’t think straight, I’d have hyper-reflexes to sounds, to everything; I’d complain that his treatment was making my ability to work, to live, impossible; and he’d laugh, he‘d smile:
You’re so sensitive, stop overreacting, you think about everything way too much.
You think about nothing that exists too much.
I’d snap back. Yes, I was becoming hostile myself, I’ll admit it; it felt like he was drilling a hole through my brain at times. I was started to feel exhausted all the time, irritable, and wanting to give up on everything. And was I thinking about things too much? I don’t think so. When nothing makes any sense at all – you can’t think enough about things. Had I thought even more maybe I’d have figured out sooner than later what I was dealing with.No going anywhere that men were present – check. Now, family isn’t even a safe spot – check. So now more going out anywhere – ever. He’d been nagging me to take him out to dinner as a way of showing my love for him when I attempted foolishly to take him one a date; not only was it nonstop complaining about the food and my non-existent wandering eye, he then had the audacity to say: “You didn’t take me out to dinner because you love me. You did it to prove that you could.” Huh. Well, that $100 dinner was to be out last, never again would I be spending any more money on him, no more gifts, no more anything; if he was incapable of even seeing it – by bother. By this point I’d had it.By this time also, the accusations were to the point that he’d be crying, claiming that he feared catching an STD from me when he had sex, which was only when he was pretending to be his old self after he’d put me through hell and I’d threaten to end things. His acting was so believable that it made me feel upset inside, I believed I could feel his mental pain and anguish – and managed to ignore mine – and all I wanted to do was help him despite the fact that I needed to help myself in this hell of a life I’d gotten myself into. And that became all I was focused on doing, providing hard-core, irrefutable proof, more pictures with date and time, I’d put people on the phone, girls even, when he’d accuse me of being with other guys, I was willing to do anything I could so that he’d stop torturing himself like he was. Because this was all in his head, none of it existed – yet he was driving himself mad. And I felt nothing but pain inside, pain because the one man I loved was so internally tormented that he couldn’t function in reality. Only I failed to realize that I wasn’t paying attention to my own pain, and my own safety…
I thought he was in harm’s way, little did I know he’d already ensured that the greatest harm I could imagine he’d made sure had taken place without me even realizing it, while accusing me of doing similar to him. Things couldn’t get any crazier and chaotic than this, right? There was only so much crazy one person could think up after all. RIGHT?One night that we went to my girl friend’s and played board games and I discovered something profound about him, I had that moment of epiphany. My girl friend was a lesbian; we were the only guys there, so I thought it was safe. Just like everyone else, she loved him; she took me aside:
I love him, absolutely love him, he’s husband material.
If she only knew… but I chose that setting because she was a lesbian, there’d only be girls there, no distractions from males, and we had a lot of fun. But walking back out to the car, out of nowhere I hear:
Don’t think I’m stupid. I know exactly what you just did!
Suddenly we heard a voice, my girlfriend was there, she was tapping him on the shoulder:
You left your glasses!
Not even 5 seconds prior he had the look of Satan on his face, he was about to chew my head off, and suddenly he was all smiles, gave her a kiss, and I realized: this was all a fucking act that he was fully aware of and knew how to turn it on and off when it suited him. I thought for a few moments: he’d done the same the other day, screaming at me when his phone rung and he answered it immediately all bright and chipper. As soon as he hung up he quickly smiled at me and went right back into evil character, he was accusing me of having a “bulge” in my sweat pants when I’d come from my straight neighbor’s condo. He was doing all this intentionally, he took pleasure in mind-fucking me, confusing me, insulting me, accusing me of all his short-comings, failures, flaws and bad behaviors. I didn’t know what to make of this; I knew it was a game but he seemed so real, so convinced of his accusations that I didn’t know how to deal with this. But I didn’t deal properly, clearly, as he managed to earn my pity, my time, my love and support by manipulation and lies.
Every single thing about him turned out to be a lie…
Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues and Discards You
Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is like being on a roller-coaster ride that never ends. One moment, you feel loved, adored and cherished. The next, you feel devalued, discarded and abused. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. You never know what kind of mood a Narcissist is going to be in and you certainly never know how he is going to treat you. A Narcissist is unpredictable and unstable. You are always walking on eggshells around him.
Unfortunately, once a Narcissist is victorious and secures your love, the idealization phase of the relationship passes and his true colors emerge. You begin to see the pathology of his personality and realize he merely put on an act in the beginning of the relationship to win and secure your love. He becomes demanding and angry, unaware that you have needs or a separate self at all. He simply finds it impossible to see you as an independent entity.
Trying to understand how you went from being idealized and put on a pedestal to being completely discarded is baffling. Suddenly, you can’t do anything right and nothing you do is good enough for him. By understanding the inevitable Devalue & Discard (D&D) behavior of a Narcissist, you will finally realize what happened and know that you did NOTHING wrong to cause such a drastic change in his behavior.
It is important to understand when in a toxic relationship, you are viewed as nothing more than an extension of your Narcissist. Narcissists seek out relationships in order to ensure someone is present to cater to their needs, stroke their ego and make them look good. Men often select a trophy wife. Beautiful women are the ultimate status symbol for men, proof of their masculinity and virility. On the other hand, female narcissists are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.
A Narcissist will eventually devalue and discard you with no remorse. It is inevitable in any relationship with a Narcissist. At some point, he/she will emotionally and physically withdraw from you and leave you wondering what you did wrong. Please remember, you did NOTHING wrong. It has NOTHING to do with you. A Narcissist is unable to attach in a healthy way to anyone. Ultimately, they will pull away no matter what you do.
A Narcissist has a lot of built-up resentment toward his significant other. He knows he is reliant on you for validation. However, he craves variety and is easily bored. As a result, he blames you for tying him down to a monotonous and mundane lifestyle. This creates in him a great deal of anger towards you because he does not want to rely on you, yet knows he must in order to get the validation he so desperately needs. He does not respect you because he knows you put up with a lot of abuse from him. You have done nothing wrong but be overly giving and nurturing. Yet he is angry with you and blames you for all of his unhappiness.
He is urgent, preoccupied with himself and always trying to right his chronic imbalance. While some Narcissists do not feel the emptiness in their lives, their behavior causes major suffering and angst among those around them. Once a Narcissist feels he has obtained control of you, you will see a completely different side of him you never knew existed. Once in control, a Narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.
Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior affects people close to them. They dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge and put others down.
A Narcissist can be blatant about it or quite subtle in his approach. He has a way of putting you down in such a way that you don’t even realize you have been insulted until you reflect upon the conversation later or someone points it out to you. Other times, he is brutally offensive.
While Narcissists do not always realize how hurtful their behavior is, it doesn’t mean at times, they are not deliberately abusive. A Narcissist is purposefully abusive when his relationship with you changes in a way that is not to his liking. This occurs whenever he starts to feel too close to you. Intimacy terrifies a Narcissist, and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push you away.
Another example of when a Narcissist is intentionally abusive is if you voice your displeasure or threaten to leave the relationship. A Narcissist cannot be alone. He must always have someone present to validate him. By asserting abusive behavior, he is attempting to maintain his dominance and control over you.
A Narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. He will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to him about it, and by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing for some reason. A Narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone.
A Narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You’re baffled. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. He is not the man you thought he was. It is a maddening and precarious way to live and can drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.
When a Narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity and appear as if he hardly knows you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to validate him should he not get enough attention from the outside world that day.
You are treated with indifference by the person who once showered you with affection. His “silent treatment” is his way of devaluing you. If you begin to pull away, he will lay on the charm again. Trust me, a Narcissist knows when to engage his false self to ensure you never leave him. He is always reminding you that he understands you like no one else can or ever will. It is essential that he makes you believe only he can understand you. By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only he can understand, he believes you will become dependent on him. By telling you he loves you despite your flaws, he hopes you will begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way. This is his way of ensuring you will never leave him. It is narcissistic manipulation at its finest and you need to recognize it.
A Narcissist will always ensure he has someone present and available to him at all times to validate him. Unfortunately, he will give you no warning when he decides to leave in pursuit of validation from someone new. This is when we must remember we did NOTHING wrong and this outcome was inevitable. Narcissists crave variety and are easily bored.
A Narcissist will simply discard you when he becomes convinced that you can no longer provide him with sufficient validation. Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. Suddenly, because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, he swings from total idealization to complete devaluation.
He then disconnects from you immediately. He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of supply. He sees no need to spend any of his precious time and energy on you, whom he now considers useless.
You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a pawn, a mere source of supply to feed his fragile ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less. Once you understand how he must constantly change his source of supply, you will realize his rejection of you has NOTHING to do with you. He will repeat this cycle in every relationship he enters. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back.