Calling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing one type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them.
For 10 whole months our fling went along flawlessly, Ben and I were the best and tightest of friends in the entire DMV. His promises about our friendship lasting forever, his loyalty to me, him going out of his way to always cheer me up, and the love he assured would never be impacted by his other man, his beautiful words: I clung to them dearly, Ben was a man of his word. Neighbors and friends came to view us as the most happily, married gay couple around; they didn’t think two men could be more ideal for each other. Imagine that: EVERY SINGLE PERSON that saw us together made some comment in that realm, everyone thought was were perfect together.
Little did they know the truth… but little did I know the truth, either. But ignorance is bliss, that is, up until you’re faced with the harsh reality that ignorance is just ignorance. Eventually, painfully, I learned how ignorant I was, and how skilled Ben was at acting any role he desired – regardless of how he actually felt. Ben, on the other hand, wasn’t ignorant about anything – Ben was brilliant, he was all-knowing, and he ensured he was always the gatekeeper of knowledge whether pertaining to him or me, and he was taking note of things all to one day use against me.
It was unheard of how well we fit together, no pun intended. Ben and I got along so freaking well I felt like I’d met my life partner. Ben and I were the perfect match, no drama, no fighting, just amazing times – and amazing sex – I couldn’t have been more ecstatic with how I’d lucked out with him coming back into my life. Finally – good luck had hit my life arrived, it was about time – and I was certain this time around, good luck was here to stay. After all I’d been though, I felt like I finally deserved something this beautiful.
Wait: what did Ben just say above?!?!? What, what, what?!?!?
So one of Ben’s superhuman skills: he can completely conceal all his emotions, no matter how happy or mad he gets, he never shows it, at least not in the moment. Ben was like a chameleon in any situation, too; he could fit in anywhere, he could find a way to meet middle ground with anyone he met, always leaving a smile on their face. Ben made me feel content, he made me feel excited about life, and I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: Ben made me feel loved, appreciated, sexy and… safe. Ben always left me feeling safe for some odd reason, I always said that about him; it was also the opposite of how I should have felt about him, however, but it would be a while before I realized how wrong I was, and just how powerful the neurotransmitters that flooded the brain during love-bombing – dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin – truly are. They’re beyong powerful, they’re controlling, and they’re inescapable, and they’re enslaving and trump all logic and reason. Reading the text below, initially I saw it as a beautiful compliment; only now I realize what Ben’s saying: I’m not worthy of being a boyfriend, and his feelings towards me aren’t much of anything; it’s my feelings for him that make him feel validated and alive, Ben was merely using me as a source of narcissistic supply, but I had no clue.
Ben felt special knowing how much I cared for him. I interpreted the above to mean something beautiful; it was a back-handed, double-toucaned insult, but I didn’t start picking up on the innuendos until a good year from when that was sent. It was upon re-reading Ben’s texts that I came to realize he viewed me as a big joke, that bitch! Now, unlike you, I already know how this tale pans out. So I’m also aware (whereas nobody else knows) just how angry and enraged Ben could become all the while hiding his true sentiments behind his pleasant mask. It’s hard to know for sure if Ben felt the same for me at the starts of round 2 or not, but I doubt it, especially now knowing he had an ulterior mission to accomplish. Nonetheless, he was by my side every spare second he had… and the upcoming year would still be filled with plenty of interesting experiences together.
Ben was growing increasingly angry and hostile towards his boyfriend and his never-ending lying and cheating, too. It looked like their break-up was once again imminent in the very near future. When Ben spoke of his boyfriend’s lying and cheating, I found it a bit hypocritical I must admit. According to Ben, he was cheating with random guys all the time; whereas Ben was having an all-out affair with me all the time, spending more time over than he spent at home, only I thought he was no better in his behavior. Ben only had negative things to say about his boyfriend, he vented all the time and I never heard anything good about the man. I never imagined that he actually had feelings of love (or whatever a narcissist thinks is love) towards him.
But contrary to what I’d been told up front, and what I’d heard the entire time, I was surprised a bit later hearing Ben say that they were no longer breaking up, although they weren’t having sex or getting along very well either. I was so confused why he’d told me all these negative things about his boyfriend, how their break-up was about to occur at any moment, only to have it never occur after all. I guess that’s where I came into the picture, I was ultimately led to believe I was filling the void left by his real boyfriend; unlike me, who gave Ben everything, his boyfriend wouldn’t give him sex or the attention he desired – so Ben secretly had feelings for his man, but I think because of the chase, because he was the forbidden fruit, he was the one guy that Ben could no longer have a physical relationship with.
I wondered why he bothered remaining in the relationship, although when I asked he told me something that I wasn’t expecting:
He was the first guy to make the noise in my head go completely silent.
Hmm… that was rather interesting. I asked him about me, and he responded:
You are the opposite actually. But I’ve learned to turn you out for the most part.
Regardless of my noise, Ben continued to treat me like royalty. I believed that deep-down, he felt really bad for what he’d done to me in round one: after all, I’d just been intentionally infected with HIV by my ex, and Ben came along and could have been my rock, but instead he chose to torment me and throw me away. Him discarding me like that was awful, it compounded all the pain I was still dealing with, it triggered me back into reliving the traumas of my previous relationship with the painful discard at the time after being diagnosed with HIV. The ending with Ben haunted me in the background until he returned. I believed Ben had to feel bad for what he’d done, Ben not caring about that never crossed my mind, I assumed he thought similarly to how I did. The notion that he’d come back on a smear campaign to further cause me harm never crossed my mind, that would be beyond ridiculous.
Plus Ben was charming me like nobody else had ever charmed me before. Only a monster would do something as awful as destroy someone in pain, especially over a stupid word like narcissist. Clearly Ben liked me enough to have sex with me all the time, every chance he had; and showing that sort of sexual interest clearly meant he liked me, didn’t it? People don’t have sex with those they hate. At least I didn’t realize that to be the case…
Ben treated me better than anyone had ever treated me in my life; Ben went more out of his way to be a kind friend than anyone I’d ever met. I was certain Ben’s love for me was real, and he was a man of strong morale character despite what he left me believing at the end of round one. Just reading over his texts left me convinced: the boy had a heart of gold, and a mind full of sex – but the sex was all directed towards me so it wasn’t too bad as far as I was concerned.
Ben repeatedly proved that he was a man whose actions followed through on his words, that he was a man of principal and integrity. He showed himself to be dependable and reliable beyond any shadow of a doubt. I trusted him more than anyone I had in my life. He’d often recite a slightly modified rendition of Gandhi’s infamous quote:
A man is defined by the sum of his actions…
Despite the negative words about his boyfriend, not once did he ever miss picking him up from work, so our nights always ended at 10 PM sharp. I wasn’t fond of having a cut-off time, but regardless, I respected that Ben stuck to his principals despite not wanting to be with the guy.
I dind’t enjoy feeling like I was second place; and that’s where I fell, although… in time I began to think I didn’t have any place at all, that I was merely being dragged along, that I was the punch line. It was only in time that I realized: I deserved to be treated better than this. I was the fool for thinking second-class treatment was OK, it wasn’t OK, it was demeaning, it was taxing, it was a form of abuse. But there’d be some time before I had that revelation.
I’d often think to myself: if only Ben could stay longer, or even better, if he could spend the whole night with me, sleeping by my side, it would feel like Heaven, I’d feel complete.
But that never happened. Although at that time, I didn’t have much room to complain, I wasn’t getting a bad deal here, I just wasn’t getting everything that a true boyfriend would get. But Ben was already spread thin I convinced myself to justify my current state. Just like Ben did with me, he went above and beyond to make sure he was a man of his word and was accountable to to his promised towards others; plus – I had nothing against his other man, I wanted nothing but the best for the both and I mean that. Overall, I found it impressive, Ben was forcing himself to break out of his nature (which from round one I’d say was slightly self-centered and inconsiderate of others) to ensure he did good for others. It was a sign of him growing up at all, and I loved that he was adamant about being a man of his word. I found that beyond sexy and admirable.
One day, Ben acknowledged to me that he did have narcissistic “traits,” but claimed that this way of thinking, behaving and living was against his life philosophy and so he chose to live a different path. He said he hated the word narcissist because it had negative connotations in society. I believed him, I had no reason not to. Contrary to what I’d read about narcissism, I was certain that Ben had empathy, I knew he did good for others, and I knew he wasn’t all about himself. I knew he truly enjoyed his time with me, he made more time to see me than time existed; Ben wasn’t exploiting me for some other reason like those articles claimed.
So I picked up where my blog had left off and began the story of Ben, and became determined to give my story a happy ending. I was also determined to show the world the truth about Narcissistic Personality Disorder: that narcissists might be different, but different didn’t mean evil, no, narcissists have a choice, and they can choose to be good and, when they do, they can be the most amazing people in the world. Just look at Ben: he was the perfect example, and if people kept judging narcissists like they did, they’d miss out on all the amazing narcissists like Ben. I was about to change the world with my writing I was certain…
God, was I a fucking idiot… a fucking idiot, a fucking idiot, a complete and total fucking idiot…
I believed that people with personality disorders, NPD and the like, got a bad rap, that all those negative articles you read were one-sided, written by people who had bad experiences. You never came across an article written by someone with the disorder to counter the attacks, you only saw the opposite prevailing with their one-sided view. So resuming my blog was intended to show the other side. But I didn’t know what I was really dealing with at that point, nor did I see yet that the other side was even more evil than Pinterest described it to be. Little did I know that Ben was already setting me up to lose all I’d worked for in life. Instead I was distracted by his beautiful (soon to be broken) promises, and all that sex, sex, and more sex, to even consider anything but what Ben left me believing.
Ben never stopped stressing how our friendship was so solid, so important to him, and that nothing could ever impact it; time and again he reinforced that nothing – not his current boyfriend, not any future boyfriends – would ever impact what we shared. He was a gentleman, he was glowing light, and he was a master con artist and manipulator, he took pathological lying to a level so advanced that, when I became aware of his lies, I didn’t bother questioning him because doing so was futile, Ben seemed to believe whatever came out of his mouth no matter what amount of proof I had to contradict it. And I let him get away with it, I didn’t challenge him nearly as much as I wanted to. I can’t express the power a narcissist can have over his prey… it’s something that’s not believable until you experience it. I even read up on the disorder while he was courting me, and continued throughout the relationship, only I didn’t believe a word I read as being applicable to Ben. Instead I believed it was a “spectrum” disorder like autism, Ben being only a slight big effected. Although at times I thought I’d gotten it all wrong, there were soooo many times when I was certain he’d done something horrible, only to have him come over with a smile on his face, saying he forgave me for going overboard regarding whatever it was that I accused him of doing, and knowing the perfect way to cause me to doubt my gut instincts. Perhaps I was wrong about Ben having narcissistic ways in the first place? Or perhaps the textbooks got it all wrong? Or perhaps the textbook got it right: I would be the one always apologizing on his behalf, he would be the one always acting like the victim, and every time I’d catch him in the act he’d gaslight me into doubting myself and convincing myself I was the crazy one.
Out of any guy I’d met in my life, Ben turned out to be the best one, I felt so lucky to have him in my life, I was so proud to claim him as my bestie. He was so kind, so thoughtful and so good to me; Ben was definitely wild and crazy but well-behaved at the same time, he was “just right.” He was social when he needed to be, yet still reserved and perfect to be with one-on-one, which I loved. Ben was always so damn mellow and peaceful. I never saw him get upset, at least not yet in round two. He was always so polite, never nasty, never boastful, he was so humble yet he was secure, he was attractive, he was vivaciously sexual, he was everything I needed, and everything I’d ever wanted. I felt so comfortable with him and I’d never, ever felt this way in my life, not even with my ex during his fake honeymoon phase – this was truly a gift, and I knew I’d finally met my match. And the favors he did for me, the kind gestures, hell, he’d taken over my home IT network and built it so I could finally work from home! It couldn’t get any better than that!
It was like Ben had been made just for me almost, nobody had ever complimented me this well.
As pathetic as this may sound, my experience with round two and our time together, laying around my condo having sex, was the absolute highlight of my life; I’d do anything for that boy, and he knew it, too.
I adored him, and I could tell he loved the attention. It was amazing, and I felt like finally – at last – I’d met a true, loving friend that was meant to be.
In time, however, Ben made comments that sounded a bit too reminiscent of round one:
I don’t need the sex; I could take it or leave it. We can always just be friends.
This would throw me for a loop: he was the one that wanted the sex all the time, he was the one that said this was always how he saw things from the get-go, he was the sexual aggressor, too.
Frighteningly, Ben was the only “real” sexual partner I’d had in my lifetime, he was the closest thing to love I’d come to know so far. I won’t deny having sex with other guys I met during this period, but I was trying to make sure I wasn’t getting too attached; all it did was make me realize how much I loved Ben, however, as the experiences always sucked. But outside my ex, I’d never felt sexually comfortable even remotely, I never enjoyed having sex, I’d yet to meet my sexual nemesis, my mate, the one who I couldn’t be in a room with for more than 30 seconds without clothes coming off. Fuck: having your primary sexual instructor and partner turn out to be a malignant narcissist is a horribly painful, perverse, and violating experience. Only you can’t put it into words when it’s happening, and after happening its still indescribable, and the narcissist will always deny it in a clever way that leaves you second-guessing yourself. On top of that, imagine afterwards that your narcissist lied about everything – and had more power than Trump – so he could practically get away with murder. Imagine your narcissist having ties to law enforcement, and him feigning love was a way of distracting you from realizing he setting the stage to indefinitely rob you of your freedom in a million different ways, none having any recourse or resolution. That sounds like crazy talk, I know, but… time will tell if that crazy talk is true or not. I digress…
Our sex was instrumental in making me a sexual person, our sex wasn’t just sex, it was something that was life-altering, it was beyond powerful, it was revolutionarey. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced. But hearing him say suddenly he could take it or leave it made it appear meaningless to him. Hearing him say that hurt terribly, hearing those words seemed to be a power play, a control maneuver, like it didn’t really matter to him if he never had sex with me again and all he’d told me was a lie. He knew at that point he’d hooked me, and our sex meant everything to me, yet out of the blue, he was back to using it to hurt me.
Then one day he threw out a line that upset me so much that I couldn’t resist but speak up:
I think that me always being here, giving you sex all the time, is getting in the way of you getting better; you aren’t getting out and meeting other guys, plus I don’t want you getting too attached. I’m thinking about ending the sex with us.
While this may sound like Ben was looking out for my best interests, this took me right back to round one, where he controlled the sex between us, and I had no voice in matters. He’d given something he knew I’d cherished, he knew how lame and sexless my life had always been before, and now that I had it, now that I was loving it, now that he’d conquered what he’d come for, he could flex his muscles and feel all the more powerful by threatening to take it away. At least that’s how I interpreted it, although I was biased ever since round one.
Suddenly I felt like Ben was again instilling fear and controlling the sex we shared like he was the dictator, and I was to obey whatever he said. Only this time I spoke up:
You make me feel like I have no voice, like in round 1. If that’s what you want so be it, but you’re never having sex with me again.
Ben thought for a moment, and agreed with what I said. However, he’d rewrite that statement down the road; he’d claim that because I told him to not worry about my feelings, that this also translated into telling him to let go of his feelings and fall in love with me concurrent with his other man, that my encouragement of him not setting these boundaries out of the blue was the cause of our future problems. Like my words actually had that impact on him, please. But one day he’d blame my request as the reason why he found himself caught between two men.
I never anticipated him interpreting my statement to mean something like that, although I’m sure he didn’t actually believe it either, but rather used it as a way to turn what I’d said back around against me as that became one of his favorite past-times, flipping the script on me.
But Ben made true to his words and stopped making the occasional, disparaging remark that did a great job at putting me in my place and making me feel like I had no leverage, and finally… I felt at peace again with what we had. Ben surprised me one day when he referred to us having dated – yes he said dated – the year before, in round one.
What, what, what?!?!?
You just date we dated – did you hear yourself?
Well, we did date for several months.
I was so shocked, and pleased, I felt validated finally for the first time ever with Ben. All that time when we were together during round 1, he made a point of saying that we weren’t dating. I was so ecstatic, not to have officially dated Ben, but because he finally validated the fact that we had something special, whether he wanted to admit it or not at the time:
You’ve dated hundreds of guys compared to me. The fact that you were so instrumental, so influential in my life yet – the fact that you minimized it, you denied us dating, it made me feel so insignificant. But finally with what you’ve said – I feel vindicated.
He was perfect to me. Only that he did have a boyfriend, and didn’t seem at all phased about dragging me along, subjugating me in a role that was somewhat demeaning. Ironically, Ben’s concern about me isolating myself from the world kinda turned out to be how things ended up for me. But I was clueless as it was happening, little by little, instead I was captivated by his words, overflowing with kindness, and oozing with charm and admiration. Our feelings became so intense that one night Ben professed his love to me: he said he loved me just as much as his boyfriend, he called me his boyfriend without the title, he swore that if forced him to make an ultimatum, he’d never pick one over the other; must be nice for Ben to have the luxury of so many offers at his disposal. He swore nothing would come in between us, and I believed it. I remember the look in his eyes and the smile on his face when he speaking these words: it felt like the room was growing fuzzy, I felt like he was hypnotizing me to be completely honest; it felt slightly fake even,but it still felt beautiful.
I was in utter disbelief; I was certain from round 1 that Ben falling for me was not possible, yet somehow the impossible managed to occur. I was shell-shocked, I was perplexed, I was ecstatic. I’ll admit that I eventually began to take Ben’s “love,” attention, and sexually grooming me for granted; he came over so frequently, the thought of things ending didn’t cross my mind. Our relationship wasn’t just physical sex and talking about love. Ben could find no fault with me, he seemed to be enamored with everything about me, and he made me happy. The time went on, and things just seemed perfect. It never bothered me that Ben loved me and still had his other boyfriend, at least not for the first 16 months. During this time period, the sex never dulled down, our relationship only got stronger and better. This was a friendship so unique I’d never heard of anything like it. And, no joke, I respected his relationship with his beau completely, and despite knowing it was failing, I never wanted anything more than what I had with Ben: awesome sex, no drama, no-strings-attached, and no power plays.
I actually gave Ben advise all the time on how to save his relationship, I often played Devil’s advocate and took his boyfriend’s side when he mentioned their issues. And his boyfriend’s side I often took legitimately, hoping to open Ben’s eyes and view things a bit differently. I didn’t want them to end. Perhaps a bit selfish, I believed if they ended, Ben and I might end, too. I knew that Ben was getting everything from me that he wasn’t getting from home – and things at home weren’t going to change, that I was sure of, as when a relationship becomes sexless, and both partners are getting it elsewhere, you can drag that along for as long as you want but it can’t be fixed at that point. I feared that if they broke up Ben would have no reason to stick with me, he wouldn’t have his boyfriend’s off schedule to fill his time finding a place close to his work where he could do as he pleased and not worry about me trying to make a scene in his relationship.
Call it selfish, me saying what I did to help and keep them together, but I also said what I did because I truly thought I was speaking the truth, whether it benefited me or not. I wasn’t really looking at the big picture then anyway, I couldn’t take my eyes off the here and now. Ben always swore, even up until the very end, that no matter what happened with him and his boyfriend there was one thing that would not ever change: us. He swore by those words, then again he swore by many words, and in the end there were a lot of swear words, that’s for sure. But words sworn and promises kept and all of them ultimately broken… that’s another chapter but we’re not there yet.
Despite Ben not speaking highly of his boyfriend, he began making comments about how he still found him to be sexually attractive, and how the two of us were the only guys he had any sexual interest in. On several instances, he’d repeatedly asked me to have a threesome with he and his boyfriend, suggesting it was his fantasy, and it might also help re-spark things at home, also. I kinda said yes – although I didn’t really want to, and Ben knew this, too. I’m not portraying myself to be Mary Magdalene, I have nothing against 3-ways – if it floats your boat, more power to you. But for me, personally, while I’d attempted a few in the past, I found that they weren’t my thing. Ben brought up the topic a handful of times, but I managed to always divert the topic elsewhere.
Then one night Ben came by; I was asleep. He woke me up and said, “Come with me, we’re going to my place and having that three-way.” I was lifeless in bed, I was still half-asleep, I told Ben that I had no interest. But he wasn’t taking no for an answer. And suddenly Ben was pulling me out of Bed, grabbing my clothes, and insisting I come with him. I slept on the ride to Ben’s house and woke up clueless as to where I even was. Dreary and tired, I went into his house and proceeded to fall asleep left and right. What ensued was the worst attempt at a 3way in history; the whole time I clung to Ben like he was my husband, showing little interest towards his boyfriend. It was a flop; I soon past out completely and Ben eventually dropped me back in my bed. The next day he apologized, although he acted like this 3way had been a success when it was nothing but a total failure, we all knew that. I felt embarrassed, I felt lame; but at the same time I’d warned Ben that I was in need of sleep, not sex, so I tried rather hard to get out of this.
Ben’s response to the disastrous threesome is as fake as can be, totally B.S., the fantasy Ben finally god to live out was an embarrassment, it was painful just to remember it occurred. I’m not sure what Ben was saying about a red bag, however… that went completely over my head (until I revisited the text a while down the road…).
I didn’t worry too much at the time, however. While I didn’t make his fantasy a reality, I’d at least tried despite being half-comatose, even if it was against my will; he couldn’t blame me for at least trying when he knew it was the last thing I wanted to do. Not all people are cut out for things like threesomes, I’ve got nothing against them, whatever floats your boat, they’re just not for me. I was a bit embarrassed, but I chose not to worry too much, I knew Ben was my best friend, I knew that he loved me, and I knew that he always had my back no matter what.
It never crossed my mind, not once, that every thing Ben was doing, every word he chose, every story (lie) he told me of his past, everything he told me about my importance to him – could possibly all be premeditated, it could all be a cold, calculated manipulative tactic at making me trust and bond with him so that my I’d let my guard down, so that I’d let him into my life where he could wreak havoc without me ever noticing a thing.
Like the above, Ben requesting my assistance with a security deposit seemed innocent at the time, it made me think I was special, like I was someone he viewed as permanent and like family. I wasn’t going to agree to that – but it left me believing he saw me as something I eventually found out I was not. What Ben was also doing was testing my boundaries, he was seeing just how far he could push me and get me to go along with whatever he wanted. And the 3-way: looking at it on the surface, it seemed foolish but innocent , just a horny boy thinking with the wrong head. I never once considered Ben was setting the stage to, say, have it look like something sinister… like me crossing state lines so that he could fabricate lies about me in the future… my life has been riddled by brutal irony time and again but come on now… that would just be too ridiculously brutally fucked up! A person can’t get struck by lightening that many times, right?
A few days after the bad 3way, Ben stopped texting every day like he’d always done; when I continued texting like normal, he became short with me. When I tried talking to him by phone he seemed distant and cold, saying very little before hanging up abruptly. Despite these changes, I was blown to smithereens when everything suddenly did a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.
Ben said he needed space, only he was rather abrupt and vague with his words, he didn’t explain anything at all honestly: he just kinda blurted out that he needed a break out of nowhere, and it went straight over my head initially. Ben needing “time off” seemed odd since he did all the making of our plans, initiating our time together, all the sex, everything was on his time already – I just took whatever he gave – so he already controlled our time together and our space apart. I wasn’t texting more frequently than before, and he was the one that started doing it daily to begin with. It seemed like a double standard and I couldn’t understand why Ben was blaming me for his sudden change in character. He was not the person I’d just spent 10 perfect, blissful months with out of nowhere… and I was thoroughly confused. The suddenly…
Just like in round 1, everything came crashing down in a whirlwind of drama, everything I thought was real and truthful, showed itself to be the polar opposite. Here Ben had set the pace for everything, and the moment I started going along at the same exact pace – I didn’t do anything he hadn’t been doing the entire time – he then slammed on the breaks and didn’t give 2 shits about doing this to me. Why all the sudden was he saying he needed space, and a break, and time to focus on… his boyfriend? Wait a second, who’s that, I thought it was… kinda me? HUH? His boyfriend… that guy who was only described in positive words by me, and not Ben? What, what, what?
I hadn’t gone after Ben at all; I didn’t have any feelings towards him until he brought up being in love with me. I’m not trying to lay the blame all on him, but in all sincerity, this relationship had been his creation.
He was suddenly a different person, he was exactly the opposite of who I thought he was. Here he’d said he had me exactly how he’d wanted me, how he’d envisioned having me all along since round 1. So what the hell was this going on? Not once did I ask him to give up time with his boyfriend to be with me, that was all his doing. Never once did I ask him to stay when he’d leave my house to go and pick his boyfriend up. I actually gave Ben good advice on his relationship, it was advice that wasn’t aimed at derailing it either, but rather advice on how to keep things on the positive. I was shocked reading his texts, initially I thought he was joking. But then I realized: Ben was flipping the script, he was painting me out to be the aggressor, the one going after a guy that already had a boyfriend, whereas this had been the opposite of what he said. Was he delusional? How could he not be seeing reality? Our entire relationship was Ben’s creation. But I didn’t read Ben’s mind apparently, and failed to realize that despite his harsh words about his boyfriend, that he was still in love, and they were having issues and he needed space apart to deal with them. Yes, he’d asked me to back off but without any other explanation, it was kinda text-shouted among other things, I didn’t get it at first as it was thrown in among other things. He was so hard to read, often what I read him as being I’d later discover was incorrect. Suddenly he wasn’t at all understanding and kind like he was prior; suddenly everything changed, and I didn’t seem to know the person I was texting, it was someone totally different. Suddenly my perfect Ben wasn’t so perfect after all, he went off on me like a wild animal showing no mercy, no concern for my feelings at all.
Thinking about Ben’s words that summer, and how much they contradicted all he was saying now… I felt betrayed, I felt beyond confused, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Only I wasn’t; I was at my house, holding my phone in my hand, shaking. And this was actually happening.
I truly believed Ben viewed me as his second boyfriend, I believed in his promises of our friendship lasting forever, but all of this was suddenly meaningless to him, and I was crushed. The boyfriend without the title, me being on the same playing field as his boyfriend, his selflessness, his kindness, his helping me get better, those were all things he said without me ever enticing him to do so.
Could he have done those all to maliciously ensnare me into letting my guard down and letting him take over my mind with lies? Ben made all these remarks by his own free will; so why suddenly flip-flop like this? I assumed he was under stress and displacing his anger on me at the time. Then several days later I got word that he’d broken up with his boyfriend. I tried to be as polite and understanding as possible, and I told Ben that he’d be missed as we’d initially made plans that Friday night, me tellng him to be good despite the breakup. Only his reaction took me by surprise, it wasn’t something I had expected given my words weren’t rude or mean-spirited.
I didn’t know how to respond; I didn’t know why he was so pissed off… how was I guilt-tripping him with anything? But the next text I sent came back saying that it couldn’t be sent, Ben did exactly what he did in round 1: he blocked me. I was beyond pissed off. This was the ONE thing that I hated more than anything, as it triggered me right back into feeling like I was in the past, in the midst of abuse, and I was livid, I was sad, and I felt desperate, I felt like a part of me died that day.
Ben had broken the one promise I made him agree to in order for me to participate in his vision of us being together. I became angry, and one thing was certain: I was not going to let him get away with it again. No way in hell.
Ben was going to be held accountable for that one damn promise, after all, I’d stayed true to my word in everything I’d said I’d do for him. Ben came into my life, he’d brought me the warmest, brightest, most intoxicating love I’d ever experienced; he’d made me all these promises I didn’t ask for – and they all were nothing but words in the end. I was somewhere between having a seizure and a panic attack as I tried reaching him by phone using various numbers, only to have him hang up as soon as he heard my voice. If I thought the feeling his first discard left in my stomach was queezie, this was 10 times worse. I was set on a mission to make him keep his word… after all… he knew about the psychopath in my recent past. For him to do something like this, which resembled that incident quite a bit, went against his entire mission statement: to help me get better. This didn’t help me get anything but worse.
Why the hell did I even want him in my life if he’d done this to me… twice? Why couldn’t I clearly see the writing on the walls and leave? All it took was noting his smell on my pillow, a t-shirt, anything that reminded me of Ben, and my mind was immediately stuck thinking about him. And it would be a long, frightening, destructive and completely confusing time before I’d suddenly realize what I was unknowingly entangled in was far worse than I’d never dreamed possible, and I say never dreamed possible because it’s so twisted, evil and fucked up I’d have never thought of this one. Not from Ben, that’s for sure…
I should have believed the memes on Pinterest instead of you, Ben!
You had basked in the glory of the narcissist’s undying love during the pedestal phase. Then, as if out of the blue, you were thrust from the pedestal, devalued, degraded and down-graded from the ‘love of my life’ serious partner material to being discarded. At this stage, you still don’t understand what has happened and are seeking answers with the one person that could provide them but doesn’t intend to do so – your narcissistic ex. You stuck around, clinging to the memory of those days past. “Someone who loved me, adored me and worshiped me like he used to could not just have lost interest in me completely,” you thought. “This must be fixable, it will bounce back,” you were telling yourself, thinking that your perfect prince charming was just temporarily confused and all he needed was your compassion, understanding and a bit of time. Only he never came back, he never showed that he even cared for your sudden exodus from your his life. You don’t realize it yet, but your ex is a narcissist.
1st and 2nd songs written / performed by me for Ben
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Or scroll down to read about how the narcissist uses sex “as a weapon.”
SEX AS A WEAPON! FUN TIMES…
How the Narcissist Uses Sex to Control You
For the narcissist, everything can be used as a tool of manipulation and sex is not excluded from that. In fact, there is an entirely different classification for the sexual narcissist, known as the somatic narcissist.You see, the narcissist has to have a certain supply of adoration in order to feel as grandiose as they hold themselves to be. If this can’t be done or isn’t preferred through other routes, the narcissist will resort to sex. Sexual narcissists gain their ‘narcissistic supply’ through sexual exploits and conquests, body building, otherwise preening and by showing off their bodies. At first, the narcissist will be charming and romantic. Many of them will come off as alluring and attractive, so much that they are hard to resist. As long as they are working to win you over, they will try and succeed by using charisma to spark your interest and flattery to make you feel special. They will use sex as a tool to impress, entrap you, and manipulate you.
Many report that their sexual narcissistic past loves would use intensity to replace intimacy in their relationship, and because of this, they felt as though they had been lured into a trap.
Why? Well, the narcissist doesn’t necessarily enjoy sex, they enjoy the benefits they reap from its use. Contrary to the borderline personality, who may mistakenly replace love with sex, the narcissist uses sex as a tool. Think the young, attractive woman who lures in the older man only to use him for his money, and then emotionally abuse him. Think of the good looking man that lures a young, homely looking girl into his web, only to abuse her. These are the sexual narcissists.
And while no one narcissist is worse than the other, the sexual narcissist may exude an upper hand due to their use of sex as a weapon. If you feel as though you are being manipulated with sex, step back and access the situation. Sex can be wonderful, however, when the narcissist uses it as a weapon, it can feel controlling, painful, and empty. Most likely, there will be no love at all, and only intensity.