My life is beautiful…
…when I close my eyes…
…and travel back in time and find myself again. I’m exactly like I was, exactly how I’m still supposed to be, as I run the streets through life, happy, naive and unaware of what is lurking in the world. I have no idea that my future will be a total failure and mess. I see big things, I see bright lights on the horizon, ignorance is bliss.
It’s heaven to re-experience how magnificent life truly can be when everything is an option, nothing standing in my way. This exercise in regression works every single time, as I’m reborn, and I’m innocent once more.
How amazing this is, I have chills, as an intoxicating feeling shoots through my veins. How could I ever forget this sensation? It’s a feeling of perfection… how can I explain it… it’s this ‘feeling’, this ‘knowing’ that nothing stands in my way.
Every dream I have is realizable. I’m on a level playing field with the rest. I have no handicaps. It’s GRAND feeling this way as there’s no need to worry, no reason to feel ashamed.
Yet I still manage to find something… I just can’t leave GRAND enough alone… I allow this something to trump that GRAND feeling repeatedly, that something being: love.
Or lack thereof, as I can’t seem to find it, or a partner, or even a date. I experience loneliness, despair, hopelessness. All because I can’t make a relationship work out, I feel like I’m failing life.
Love unrequited: rejection is the only love I know. I’ve yet to meet its nemesis. So why ‘love’ even matters to me, I don’t know, it’s not rational. But for whatever reason, it matters such that it controls how I feel.
So far I’ve just been flying solo through the last 20 years of of life. It’s me and my little dog, but at least she can still see and hear right now, and that makes me smile.
But then one evening I meet him, and within hours he claims to be my “soul mate.” And suddenly I’m awe-stricken, I have found what I’ve been searching for my whole life.
It couldn’t be more romantic as we meet… online, on adam4adam.com, yeah right. But I give him major credit: unlike other guys on this site (whose catch-phrase is “get on, and get off”), his pictures are really him! They’re not fakes, nor those of yesteryear minus 50 pounds, and he’s wearing clothes in all of them. Brownie Points +++
Out of nowhere arrives an internet pick-up line that makes me smile: “My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute.” This is different, it’s sweet, and makes me laugh. I’m intrigued: it’s not the typical greeting I’ve encountered before, nobody’s asking about my penis size, or straight up addressing me with vulgar requests to have sex, it’s just someone being friendly. What should be everyday chat becomes a philosophical dissertation. His ease and forwardness in communication, albeit written, is quite impressive.
He has countless ideas to share, so many relevant questions to ask, and he doesn’t have much filter, either: he says whatever he wants to. One thing is clear: he’s really confident, a trait that I lack, maybe, a little. And our conversation moves like wildfire as 2 hours pass in what seems like 5 minutes. It’s beyond engaging, it’s engulfing, it’s enough to make me think that maybe… this could turn into something major… and my fingers begin to burn.
From my job to my childhood, from my education to my sexual history (those answers are the easiest to answer… I basically have no sexual pass!), nothing is off limits in his initial inquisition. But I answer everything fully, and I’m totally digging this attention as I’ve never gotten anything close to this before. But his reactions are… what? They’re exactly what I hope for, how can this be real? Come to discover we have so much in common, strangely, almost everything; I don’t want to jinx myself but this seems too good to be true. His interrogation turns into an all out chat-war. We’re cutting short each others messages with our inpatient fingers; fingers that have gone from burning to callused at this point. My heart is actually pounding I’m so engrossed in this.
He asks me for my number, and calls me after finishing dinner with his brother, Steve. We talk for more than 2 hours without a single awkward silence. He’s just so full of energy, and optimism, and positive thinking; this is something I definitely need in my life. And I find myself talking at ease for the first time in eons. I’ve never spoken to a stranger like this ever, it’s like I’ve known him for decades. It is odd, it’s unique, it’s refreshing. And… drum roll… he even loves all the weird musicians I do, like Bjork, I’ve never met another, this has to be the beginnings of something major.
As I look above at the heavens, I’m hit with a life-altering revelation: maybe, just maybe, the powers that be have granted me that ‘something’ I’ve been searching for forever: love. I’m starting to believe again that maybe, just maybe, true love exists after all.
He calls me piecemeal as he travels back to DC first by metro, then by bus, then back on metro, and then he manages to twist his ankle walking home. My inner-nurse talks him through the pain and ensures he gets home safely. Ironically I discover that he lives exactly 1 mile west of my condo – and how we missed this coincidence during today’s massive discussion is baffling, but a great surprise.
He asks me 5 times to come and meet him; I decline the first 4 requests because I’m focused on the big picture. I’ve never clicked with someone like this, there’s so much potential that I want to make the best first impression possible. If we meet tomorrow, after I’ve gotten a good night sleep, once I’m clean shaven and looking dapper, I think things will go better, as it’s past 2AM. But then he uses the guise that his ankle needs medical assessment, so by invoking my profession I ultimately say, “yes.” It’s a short, 5-minute drive, and I somehow manage to get lost, though.
I think I made a wrong turn at that sign back there. But my GPS seems to wake up out of nowhere, and lands me at the front of his building. I sit for what seems like eternity waiting nervously in my car.
Finally I muster up the strength to walk up to the main door. Shaking, I ring the buzzer to his unit, I’m so nervous I’m about to turn around and leave. I’ve never felt this anxious in my life.
He buzzes me in, I go inside and find his unit, he opens the door and I’m hypnotized. His eyes meet mine and pierce my soul. I’m hypnotized…
We both stare into each other’s eyes for a lifetime it seems… time stops, everything stops, and I’m glued to those dark eyes… they read my mind…
What I see standing in front of me is breath-taking, I can’t help but stare and just… keep on staring. He’s standing there, smiling from ear to ear, wearing these tattered jean shorts and nothing else. He’s a sculpture, he’s exquisite, he’s everything, at least physically, that I could ever dream of; he’s not perfect, perfection frightens me actually, but he’s just the right amount of handsome and edginess. And I’ll admit I’ve never been with a guy whose body is like this, it’s insanity.
I can’t take my eyes off him for nearly a… year lol. And he likes what he sees, also, as he doesn’t stop all night with never-ending compliments until I’m more than blushing, I look like a big tomato, but I feel like a giant fire is burning in my soul. This may sound cliche, but it really seems like… love at first sight here.
In finally meeting him in person, he’s beyond charming, intriguing and funny, and he’s captivated by my persona also. He “catches” and celebrates my politically incorrect humor and all my weird nuances. His compliments are flattering and seductive, he must say I’m “hot” at least 35 times that night, and I am melting into a sappy puddle. And he seems to love my deepest insecurities, and I don’t mention what they are, it’s like he reads me, he can sense what I really am deep down.
My friends and family (initially) fall in love with him instantly just like I do. He’s a dream, he’s the total package, he’s a fantasy; he’s me melt away into a place where I forget about my solitude… he has this personality that makes you instantly fall in love, feel comfortable, feel at ease, feel entertained.
He offers me something to drink: “Red or white wine?” I’m not a big drinker, and I have no preference honestly: “Either is fine by me, thanks.” And out he comes with a bottle of… Pink: “This is my favorite,” he declares, opening a bottle of cheap Moscato. (In hindsight I should have recognized this as a major red flag… Moscato… that’s not wine, it’s like generic Kool Aid with alcohol. I should have ran as fast as I could, but I don’t know any better.
20 questions evolves into 20,000 questions. And he focuses on one topic in particular: my experiences, my wants, my desires when it comes to romance, sex and love. These are easy for me to answer, I don’t want an open-relationship, I don’t cheat, I work in HIV after all, I want to be in a relationship that’s sexually healthy. If there’s one thing that I’m certain of, without having much experience, it’s that. I didn’t cheat on either of my exes, I think cheating is not only wrong, but dangerous. Fidelity is the only thing I’ve come to believe in, it’s all I’ve ever known in fact. I tell him I think that “open relationships are broken relationships,” and I’m being honest. When it comes to sexual health and trying to make a real relationship function, there is no diverging from what I see to be the absolute truth.
His eyes grow wider with each answer I give, and so does his smile. He says that cheating, infidelity, and promiscuity are the ultimate evils, and exactly what he’s looking to avoid now that he’s single again and on the hunt for true love. It seems like past experiences have led him to hold these core values quite strongly. Whatever the case, to me, the sexually-repressed HIV nurse, this is music to my ears.
He shares his dislike for [most] gay men – “they’re all total whores, they’ll sleep with anything.” He seems to have a little animosity built up here as his words are strong, a bit harsh in comparison to his previous tone tonight. But I won’t deny I’ve also come to view guys as being sexually irresponsible and flat-out stupid. I’m beyond cautious with guys I meet but pleased to finally find another that concurs. I’m oblivious to what’s actually going on. I’m still rather sheltered and inexperienced. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve had 2 make-believe boyfriends, both were great guys, but neither connection was going anywhere from day 1, but it sure was fun to pretend.
I fail to realize he’s plagiarized every line used to reel me in from pinterest. I believe they’re all a creation of his witty, brilliant mind. I fall for all of them…
I’m an empath; I’m a fool; I’m about to have 33 years of work and discipline, 33 years of dreams and forward thinking robbed from me; and I allow it to happen unknowingly, yet right before my eyes. But my past has led me to believe that others intrinsically are genuine and out to help you, just like my family, just like the people I knew in my home town.
Naive doesn’t touch my lack of worldliness at this point in time… I’m still innocent… not for long.
I feel enlightened. Finally meeting someone I click with has given my life new excitement, new meaning, and new possibilities. Why did I convince myself this wasn’t possible for me?
He’s got so much going for him. And he’s passionate about his career, not about the bar scene, more brownie points. His face lights up when describing the marketing position he co-created with his boss, it’s perfect for him he says. He works for a non-profit and hopes to have his own non-profit one day. So he has aspirations and plans for professional success, as well; I’m even more impressed.
But what wins me over is a monologue about his troubled past, and how it shapes his current views on love. His experiences leave him traumatized, weary of and unable to trust men. His last 2 ex-boyfriends were cheaters and abusive, and the suffering he endures is difficult to listen to.
I can’t find words at this point. But I can see how cheating, dishonesty, lying, infidelity, these have all become wounds he carries around today. And I just hold him until he’s able to smile again. Afterwards, he informs me how he’ll never cheat on a guy, and he will never settle for another cheater, either. He is adamant that he deserves true love, the full attention of one man, and is confident that he’s going to find it. And I have to agree with that, I think he deserves it, and I I think I do, too. I think we’ve both met our matches, And red (or pink) flag or not, the Moscato is suddenly kicking in, and I find us clicking more than I’d anticipated…
Only dreams can also be nightmares…
Looking back, he never bothered to show me or mention that twisted ankle, either. Come to think of it, I never saw him limp or walk in pain. I was so distracted by my feelings to even remember it. Because I’d finally found my “soul mate,” my mirror image…
Remember what they say about smoke and mirrors…
Mirrors can play tricks on the eyes and the mind. Mirrors can lie, they can distort, they can hide…
You and the narcissist have become one; he mirrors you so that you believe he’s your soulmate.”