My Dilemma


Hell hath no fury or contempt as a narcissist you dare to disagree with, tell they’re wrong, embarrass, or call out as what they are – a narcissist… What is really at the core of narcissists is an instability in their ability to feel and sustain feeling bigger, larger, smarter and more successful than everyone else which they need to feel stable. Narcissistic rage occurs when that core instability is threatened and furthermore threatened to destabilize them even further.
Mark Goulston, M.D., Rage – Coming Soon From A Narcissist Near Youwhiteycaged.jpg

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Being in a “relationship” with a narcissist is nothing but a giant illusion. It starts off seemingly beautiful, but it’s guaranteed to end in betrayal, anguish and injustice. Adding more insult to injury, the narcissist always “flips the script” on the victim, making them appear unstable and, through lies and character assassination, perceived by outsiders as You’re up next big fella. There is still time to get out though. Wait too long and you’ll end up like Scott and Michael.the perpetrator. It’s the narcissist who comes out looking like the victor, calm and collect, and even winning the pity of his fellow man. He never acknowledges the chaos and ruin he’s left for his victim, denying them any sense of closure or explanation, let alone the truth. Narcissists don’t go after bad people either – they go after morally sound and empathetic individuals offering love, authenticity and transparency to someone they don’t recognize as a master manipulator. Narcissists are the epitome of all things evil only they have the luxury of appearing the opposite.


Being with a narcissistic partner initially seems “other-worldly,” you believe you’ve suddenly met your “soul mate,” as the narcissist mirrors your needs and desires perfectly, as if the narcissist has a sixth sense regarding your needs and desires. In time this union comes to resemble that of a farmer and his ox rather than one between two loving, nurturing adults.

152859485230181737.jpgBeing with a narcissist is nothing more than smoke and mirrors, with beautiful illusions that obscures the inevitable grand finale guaranteed to never end in your favor. Expect it to end with paramount confusion, injustice, deceit, heartache and far worse. Expect good not to prevail in the end since narcissists lack a conscience, are void of empathy, and preemptively destroy the character of those they perceive as a threat. By the time you’re aware that the relationship has ended, you realize it’s just the beginning of the real nightmare ahead: the narcissist’s smear campaign against you, which has been going on behind your back for some time. You stand little chance in maintaining your credibility or your good name by that point, as it’s been taking place for months, if not years, without you suspecting anything.

Image result for narcissist smear campaign destroy youWhile a narcissist cycles his victim through the 3 same relationship phases repeatedly – idealization, devaluation, and discard, only to “hoover” him back and repeat – when the narcissist declares the end has arrived, this nightmare smear campaign represents the final discard, after which there’s no more cycling, no more hoovering, this is the narcissist’s way of (passive-aggressively) murdering you without pulling a trigger. He’s extremely successful in “killing” you while leaving no trace behind, This is precisely what I’m experiencing.


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Image result for narcissist psychological rapeThere’s a reason why a relationship with a narcissist is referred to as “psychological rape” or described as “being dragged through hell and back,” although these analogies may be understatements. As I’m about to show you, being involved with a narcissist is that bad; every time I think, “It can’t possibly get any worse,” it gets worse exponentially.

Narcissists harbor a level of cruelty and deception that’s unfathomable to those with a conscience, our minds aren’t capable of dreaming up acts of revenge as vindictive as a narcissist. Since narcissists play off our pity and frequently don a beautiful “mask” of altruism, we become all the more confused and cognitive dissonance takes over. We doubt our own experiences and intuition and end up subscribing to the narcissist’s world of delusions. I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m guilty of siding with the narcissist over Pinterest. I never will again.


Image result for narcissists loathes his true self

Image result for narcissist great actorA narcissist is an amazing actor but beneath the Oscar-caliber performance, herein lies a bully that stops at nothing to control, destroy and exact revenge on anyone who crosses him. Frequently it’s the narcissist’s significant other and/or children, the few that come to know his true nature best. The narcissist’s wrath can be extended to any offender that fails to realize what they’re up against. Narcissistic abuse may be invisible to the naked eye but it’s insidious and crippling, resulting in irreparable damage for people that experience it. It’s almost the perfect evil: the narcissist seems to get away with everything, leaving the victim to appear unstable when they’re merely reacting to senseless exploitation. When dealing with a narcissist, one must accept that the “bad guy” won’t be held to justice, he’ll be on to his next victim, having completely forgotten you exist.

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When the narcissist first sweeps you off your feet, it seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is. We fail to realize the honeymoon phase is all a short-lived dream until it’s suddenly an all-out nightmare.

Image result for narcissist flying monkeysNarcissists don’t just attract potential partners as victims; they also attract a large, diverse support base – referred to as their “flying monkeys” – that carry out abuse on behalf of the narcissist, “abuse by proxy.”

When a narcissist fears exposure, they recruit their flying monkeys to attack the victim from all angles, demolishing their reputation, their finances and employment; it’s a complete sabotage of the victim’s life. Narcissists aim to leave them victim without resources, support or assistance, so if the victim speaks out about the abuse, nobody will believe him.

Image result for narcissists lieMy nightmare with a narcissist wasn’t a one time mistake either. After being discarded by my first in a manner akin to murder, I unknowingly met the next. Only he turned out to be far more destructive, although far more refined in the art of manipulation and gas lighting than one could imagine. He could convincingly play the role of altruistic martyr for anyone that crossed his path. He knew my story right away, he could sense it, and he knew more than I did about what happened; this left me easy prey.

What makes my nightmare impossible to wake up from was discovering he lied about his identity (along with everything else) for the entire 3 years I’ve known him. It turns out he works with law enforcement, has a background in telecommunications and IT, and has extensive knowledge in hacking and cloning phones – and he’d been compromising my devices and my life for 3 years, never dropping the slightest hint of what was going on.

152763740937191722Making matters worse, his job role is one that’s priveledged to remain confidential by law – so figuring out the truth has proven impossible. I’m now caught reliving this nightmare forever it seems.

He was my pathologically lying investigator, my biased judge and jury, my captor who sexually violated me to no end, and my merciless assassin. The concept of checks and balances don’t exist in the laws of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My discovery of his secret left him all the more enraged. The covert abuse escalated to inexplicable levels, only I couldn’t definitively prove a thing.

What happens when your perpetrator has this “special” protection of confidentiality that can be abused to conceal his misdeeds?

Image result for narcissist the perfect crimeWhat happens when this shield of anonymity allows someone to carry out atrocities against you, while living above the law, preventing you from stopping it, let alone seeking legal recourse?

What happens when this is the case?

The unfortunate answer is: nothing happens in that case, nothing at all, and herein lies my dilemma.

Now: imagine if someone in this position had the ability to enroll you in a highly sophisticated smear campaign that’s so technologically advanced, nobody in the world can figure it out. Imagine losing your basic civil rights and liberties, your privacy, and all control of your surrounding environment – and this is indefinite, mind you. Imagine this assault having no remedy: no attorneys, no law enforcement, nobody willing to help – and once you’re enrolled, you’re in it for life. As ridiculous as this scenario seems, imagine it’s real, imagine it’s happening to you at this very moment: how would you feel? How would you cope? How would you get through your daily life? To suggest that it would be easy and not impact every facet of your existence is a slap in the face: this is organized torture, its the American Holocaust, and his solution is to silence you so you can’t speak out. Life isn’t fair, but occasionally life goes beyond unfair and goes postal on you.


Image result for organized stalking the crime of all crimesImagine this robs you of your job, your livelihood, your everything, and you know who’s doing it, but you can’t do a thing to hold them accountable.  Can you think of anything worse than this? Perhaps a deadly disease, but otherwise, this would be the ultimate nightmare.

This what I’m facing and there’s no way out. I realize this has been going on for 3 years unbeknown to me; my entire sense of reality has been eroded by this evil joke. My only hope for freedom is being as vocal as possible, and hoping in time that enough people come to believe me. So that’s what I’m here to do.

DECBen and his invisible army can’t be held accountable for anything because they have this “special” protection that allows them to harass me indefinitely, thwarting every attempt I make to find out the truth. Ben can continue to stalk and harass me from afar with this protection for the rest of my life, meanwhile I have no protection, and I have no way of stopping him.


Why would Ben waste his time, effort, energy and all these resources on destroying me? Why would anyone do this to another person, especially one they were romantically involved with for 2 years? There’s only one reason, and while it makes no rational sense, it’s the bread and butter behind Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

And what makes narcissists so dangerous is that if you discover that they are a narcissist or even expose them as one they go in for the kill. They are not above lying to judges or police officers to ruin your life. Their perfect appearance must be preserved at all costs. They will get you fired from your job… they will do whatever they can to stop the truth from coming out. They will convince the authorities that you are a danger to yourself and to others. The goal is to have you eliminated. And most times they succeed.

Ben and I dated initially in late 2014. When his mask began to slip, I made the mistake of my life in asking if he might be a narcissist…


…and I sealed my fate that day. I essentially dug my own grave. My life has been forever changed as a result. He hit me with a narcissistic smear campaign on steroids, also known as “organized gang stalking.”

No, these are not my actual neighbors on Grindr…


No, that’s not Ben below, despite it having his name…

…and no, that’s not me below either; I’m a male, and I’m not transgendered.


Welcome to the world of Organized Gang Stalking, ladies and gentleman. Nothing says “final discard” better than being set up for eternal suffering designed to make you appear crazy, and meticulously set-up as to not leave behind a trace. It’s the crime of all crimes and has absolutely no solution, no help, no nothing. Its left me believing there is no justice in the world. So I’m here to try my damnedest to change that.







Life as I once knew it is long gone. What’s ensued since is so confusing, surreal and impossible to articulate that I ended up writing it all out… and suddenly it began to make sense. Here’s to hoping it leads me to the solution; I’m sure one’s out there, it’s gotta be… only this invisible army is dead-set on hiding it from me.

I’ll never stop searching.