Making Sense of Nonsense

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After experiencing this strange series of events and trying to explain what transpired to a very select few friends, family, and my doctor, everyone seemed to come to the same conclusion initially:

You’ve lost your mind. You need psychiatric help. This isn’t real, this is all in your head.

Or some variation of the above. They had valid points, I could see where they were coming from; their findings were based on logic and reason, and let’s face it: what I’ve described is not logical, realistic or even seemingly possible.

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The sheer trauma and psychological abuse from having a narcissistic partner is enough to drive one bat shit crazy. Add some bizarre, confusing events on top of that and the paranoia grows exponentially to the point where, before you know it, you’re seeing things from a biased, nonsensical perspective, you’re making conclusions based on fear and desperation, and it becomes easy to make conclusions that aren’t realistic but rather founded on neurosis.

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Like the situation with my work – despite the coincidences in the timing of events, despite the fact that the day after I left work to talk to police I was immediately placed on a performance improvement plan, despite me asking for a meeting to discuss with them specifics only to be told I’d already failed it – the truth was my performance had tanked. Mind you it tanked in the midst of domestic abuse and what I perceived as the most bizarre case of cyber stalking imaginable, it had tanked nonetheless. Perhaps I was blaming all the bad in my life on forces outside of my control rather than accept responsibility?  That’s not uncommon, if anything, it’s more common than not that we all try to project blame onto outside factors.

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Or looking at the fake profile stalkers – comments about HIV status are common in the gay world, I guess my penis is thick, there are many guys looking for extra-relationship activity despite having boyfriends and tons of couples looking to spice things up with three-ways, and there are lots of guys that do drugs – plus Virginia isn’t but 10 miles away.  Maybe I was seeing every-day things and somehow seeing only how they applied to me and Ben, coming to some ridiculous conclusion. Plus who would have any interest in placing surveillance on me 24-7? Who has nothing better to do than control my entire sense of reality, including my sex life? And who has that kind of money and resources to waste on a narcissist’s smear campaign after all? When I took a step back and looked at many events, I could see my own paranoia as being perhaps too influential. Maybe this was nothing more than the crazy-making effects of narcissistic abuse. After all – what does a narcissist do to his partner? He drives his partner insane, that’s what all narcissists do universally, that’s why they refer to their abuse as “crazy-making,” that’s why this form of psychological assault is so insidious and dangerous.

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Plus within a matter of months, Ben had changed his colors yet again: now he was kind and doting, all he did was sooooo the polar opposite of his previous narcissistic ways, he had finally left his boyfriend, he said he wanted to date me exclusively (if I could leave the past behind and stop fixating on it, he said), hell, he said he wanted to marry me. That seemed way too extreme for Ben I’ll admit; but he was so on-point, he was so “normal” and believable that I found myself doubting my entire perceptions of the previous years: maybe I’d gotten it all wrong, and Ben was not a narcissist at all? Maybe he, like many people, had nuances, things that set him off, was stubborn and dogmatic when it came to certain things; that didn’t make him a narcissist necessarily, that just made him a person set in his ways.

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Everyone seemed to be on the same page but me. So it had to be me, it had to, there was no other way to explain all the ridiculous crap here.

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But then when I listened to my recordings of Ben – despite him saying he was joking, despite him denying much of what I heard him say – I couldn’t refute his actual words, no matter what he wanted me to believe, the truth was in the mp3 file and what he said turned out to be true in so many ways. Had it not been for Ben’s words, I’d have never discovered my phone being spied upon, I’d have never known about hacking or cloning, and I’d have never thought that my computer was compromised by someone with bad intentions.

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There were also things about the fake profile war that I couldn’t chalk up to paranoia or coincidence, however. TheApexPredator, for example, destroying my phone – I couldn’t dream up those screen shots…

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…maybe I imagined the strange phone hack, but the profile kept returning, referencing my phone, which was physically dead after he killed it…

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…or stupid ass Malkyja referencing the damn ApexPredator in his profile…

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…plus add on to that my final discovery of what an apex predator is and there’s no way this was a series of random coincidences I was reading too much into.

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Then there were all the time Ben and I were bickering by chat and what not, only to have one of his invisible angels (or demons) “spying on my phone and chime in on Grindr – distracting me from speaking with Ben by asking me to hook up. It was never just one guardian demons – in 2 instances it was three simulatenously.

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Then there was Miss Peaches; when Ben said he was going to see Pacific rim, and I teased him back by sending gif files of Asian guys rimming, suddenly Peaches hits me out at the same time when I wasn’t even on Grindr, asking if she could rim me. Coincidence? Seems a bit too random…

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