Projection

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A projection is an unconscious defense mechanism in which the individual ejects aggressive, negative feelings and thoughts on to another person. Narcissists are constantly projecting feelings that they cannot tolerate out rather than turning inward, identifying that they are projecting and owning what they have done.
Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. Vindictiveness is the narcissist’s way of restoring his self-imputed grandiosity and of recuperating from a narcissistic injury. Having fallen prey to malfeasance or crime, the narcissist is proven to be gullible, ignorant, and helpless. This experience is humiliating and the circumstances of victim-hood contrast sharply with the narcissist’s inflated view of himself as omniscient, omnipotent, brilliant, shrewd, and perfect. Only by bringing the culprit to utter ruin does the narcissist regain his sense of self.
-Dr. Sam Vaknenws

door.PNGSo his stalking and harassment went viral.  I’d wake up each morning to find my voicemail box filled with his messages; he sounded angry, he sounded manic, he sounded like he was using drugs.  In many of them he speaks to me as if I’m with Steve, there by my side. Other times, he speaks to me as if I’m going to communicate with Steve despite the fact that I don’t know the man. And other times, he leaves clues that finally – finally – tell me what he’s been planning all along. It’s rather frightening…

Below is just an example of the volumes of calls I was getting from him, fake app numbers that were him, his relatives phone numbers, etc… this is only representative of approximately 4 days.

All personally identifiable information has been removed.

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liesbelieves.jpgHe just would not stop harassing me to no end. He was living with Steve – he knew what the guy was doing, when we was home, who he had over, etc… yet for some stupid reason he was insistent to no end that we were together. And not only together, I’d always been with Steve in some strange plot to fuck with his head. Ok… that makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?  His constant references to me “always” being with Steve seem to change by the minute, as well; as one reads his emails or listens to his voicemail messages, one says I was with Steve before I met my ex, the next will says since November, others says since January, another says for “years”… he can’t keep up with his own lies. 

listenphotoBut when confronted with the discrepancies it was like he didn’t even take note of what I was saying and kept continued with his inquisition.  And knowing full well that I have no friendship, no relationship, no communication, NO NOTHING with this man made this all the more incredulous to deal with. Yet I still engaged in conversation with him, trying to convince him otherwise. Remember: I had no clue what psychopathy was at that time, I thought all people were basically one in the same in how they thought, how their brains operated. I was clueless as to what was even going on. I still attributed all of this to his childhood, to his cheating fears, and being the empath fool that I am, actually felt bad for him seeming to be trapped in this “delusion.” It caused me pain: I loved him, and watched him turn into this delusional train-wreck, and all over something that didn’t even exist.

empathdoesntgiveupI tried time and again  to prove him wrong; I did so not to vindicate myself so much as to extinguish his emotional “pain” over this fantasy, and to get to him to move on and find someone or something else to obsess over, hopefully something real this time. I also didn’t know if he was actually being 100% real, or if he was just fucking with my head as he’d done for the previous year, possibly trying to garnish attention through this child-like behavior. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, why he was thinking this when there was nothing – no evidence, no phone calls, no times when I went missing, no nothing – to support I was cheating on him with anyone, let alone Steve, and I was perplexed like I’ve never been before as to why nothing could persuade him otherwise. This relationship with Steve had to be real in his eyes, no matter what, no matter if I had another boyfriend my own age that I was living with, that would not have made him even consider this Steve bullshit wasn’t true, or at least that’s the illusion he gave off.

blamepurpleHere is a “summary” voicemail of his delusion or, as I like to call it, his creation for the sake of projection.  The reason he insists that I’m with Steve is not because he actually believes it I’ve come to believe – it’s because, as you’ll see, it gives him the perfect creation to project what he won’t admit off of. On nearly every single message he addresses me as if I actually speak with Steve, or have Steve with me there; another repeating theme is that I or Steve have his damn dog. For the record – I have my own dog, she’s enough for me to take care of; except for when my ex lived with me, I’ve never had his damn dog.  Either that dog is by his side the whole time he’s leaving the messages, the dog was taken away when he ended up in jail, the dog wasn’t permitted to stay at his aunt’s home (where he stayed after prison) and went elsewhere, or else someone from the SPCA noticed a psychopath mistreating a poor dog on the street and took it away. I don’t know, I don’t care, but just to not confuse: I’ve never had his dog, and I’ve never had any interactions with Steve except the few occasions when my ex was present and forced us to be together – like that lovely dinner.  So take a listen to this, it’s 100% psychopath.

It’s extremely important when listening to these to remember that everything he’s saying is either:

Projection – he’s accusing me of behavior he’s actually doing or done, not me, I’ve done nothing he’s accused me of doing, nor do I have any contact with Steve whatsoever.

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Blame-shifting – a form of projection, finding a way to pin the blame on me and / or Steve for anything and everything wrong in his life.

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Hint-dropping or stating the opposite of the truth: by either referencing what “Karma” (merely refers to himself) has or will do to me and Steve, or by telling us the opposite of what he goes on to do (claiming he’s not going to harm me, that I have nothing to fear… you’ll come to see these statements are the complete opposite of the truth), he’s informing me of his plan up front, or of what he’s already done. Only I didn’t know this yet.

Listen to The Blame Game:

blamegame.PNGThis voicemail provides an excellent summary of his “belief” in this fabricated relationship he’s made up between me and his elderly ex-boyfriend, Steve.  Given the fact that I have no friendship / relationship with this man, no communication or contact with him, he manages to blame the 2 of us for everything going sour in life: his job, his dog, being late to work, just listen to this madness. My favorite line is where he accuses me and Steve of having his dog so that we can go “frolic freely” with it. Yes, there’s nothing more fulfilling in life than running through the Autumn mist with a man in a wheelchair at my side, and a stupid little dog, the 3 of us frolicking freely!

Turn off the music player below when listening to the voicemail messages:

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I don’t even know what happened between him and Steve that landed him in the jail. He says he doesn’t know why we think he’d harm us – I didn’t say that, I wasn’t speaking to him – but then goes on to say that Karma’s a bitch and will get us back 10-times fold. But my favorite line: he accuses me and Steve of stealing the dog so we can go “frolic freely” with it. Yeah; that sounds romantic and fun as fuck. The emails continued to pour in about me and Steve. Keep in mind – he’d moved out and was living with the man, so he’d know if Steve and I were there together, wouldn’t he? But logic and reason play no role here – all that matters is what he wants the truth to be. He would ignore any evidence showing otherwise and every time I asked him why he thought this, what evidence did he have to even suggest I was with Steve – he had nothing to say.

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I had my own dog at the vet the day he accused me of having a “quickie” below with Steve. I even took a picture of the vet bill and texted it to him but that did no good. I didn’t know,however, what psychopathy was, nor did I know about delusions – you cannot ever convince someone that a delusion is not true.

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I must say the below is also amusing – knowing that Steve and I don’t even exist – yet having to hear and read all this bullshit about it blew me out of the water. I didn’t get this at all, and I actually felt bad for my ex, because he “appeared” to be torturing himself mentally over something that was non-existent.

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And so I finally responded to him… but the voicemail messages just got worse, and worse… Again, I thought I was dealing with an angry human; I didn’t know what a psychopath was, and that rule number 1 with a psychopath is NO CONTACT.

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I thought his messages were nothing more than nonsense. Soon, however, I found out that they were speaking volumes… Now, onto the voicemails, if you dare…

Listen to: Raw   

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This was the first voicemail that made me believe this was all psychological projection. Why I didn’t think of this before, I don’t know, I truly thought this cheating obsession went as far back as his childhood and was something that would take a great deal of work to break. For those that aren’t familiar with the term, to “fuck raw” means to have sex without a condom.

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While all his messages were disturbing, this one in particular jumped out at me: he was accusing me of unprotected sex with “every-mother-fucking-body” and note he adds on that I may have given him an STD, and seems to cry. I was worried most definitely when I heard this; part of me thought, however, since he didn’t have health insurance and I did, part of me thought maybe he was saying these things to scare me into getting an STD test with my doctor, knowing that I’d come right back at him with the results to prove him wrong. But… it was eerie nonetheless, and what came the next day made me reconsider his motives.

Listen to:  Karma’s In Your Veins

whitethinThis message arrived the morning after raw. Listen closely to what he says in the middle; this sent chills down my body and left me running to my doctor’s office.

Remember as if I need to say this, for the 800th time – Steve and I aren’t anything. We aren’t even friends. He says we’re “doing drugs as we’re fucking fornicating on hook-ups or hang-outs or whatever the fuck you call it!” We don’t do drugs, we don’t fornicate in fire and brimstone land, and what the hell is fucking hook-ups  / hangouts? He references a webcam yet he lived with me for a year and knew I had no webcam!

Pay close attention to what he says mid-way through about Karma:

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Literally he said:

Your karma’s gonna come to you, and come to you in a way in which you’ll never actually get rid of it!

Indirectly what I heard him saying was:

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Or better stated:

I hope I managed to infect you with HIV, because I know as an HIV nurse this was the one thing that mattered more to you than anything on Earth.

And so off I went running to my doctor’s office… my heart was runningg.gifracing… my mind was racing… my body was shaking… this entire story was so goddamn ridiculous it couldn’t be possible for it to happen I kept on telling myself. Yes, life is full of nightmare stories – and the relationship I just ended was a great example. But life isn’t so ridiculous, so fucked up, so fucking mean that it could add this cherry on top of my mess, right?  I needed to stop thinking… and so I kept on running. My doctor was out of town and so I saw his nurse practitioner. I love her; she reminds me of Karen Walker without the booze. She cussed up a storm: “Honey, he’s one sick fuck! That’s fucking freaky! Do not – I repeat – do not fucking talk to him again!” She went on to have my bloodwork done; I asked that she draw a viral load, since a standard HIV test on average doesn’t yield a positive result for 24 days, or in the words of the conservative CDC, up to 3 months.

A few days later, she tried leaving me a voicemail message only… you guessed it… it was jam-packed full. So she sent me the following email:

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During the relationship because this was standard for me, I got tested for HIV along with everything else, my cholesterol, etc.. every 4 months. This was my previous HIV test result:

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After seeing the email from my Nurse Practitioner, I was at work freaking out; I kept calling the office begging to speak with her, they kept telling me she was with a patient. Finally I got ahold of her; I could tell she was anxious, but out suddenly she just said it: “Alex, you’re HIV test came back negative.”
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Followed by, “But I’m sorry to tell you, you’re HIV-positive. Your viral load came back detecting copies of the virus – but a measly 4,900 copies. It should be 4,000,000, but based on the negative antibody test, that means you were infected recently. I’m so sorry….

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I passed out at work. I woke up to a doctor I knew slapping me across the face. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t say coherent words, she wanted to call 911 when I finally managed to get the words out: “I… I… just got a call from my nurse practitioner. Please don’t repeat this to anyone. My ex… he gave me HIV…” and I started sobbing… and the rest of the day was more or less a blur. The only concrete memories I have of that first evening was my mind spinning, continuously thinking about how I wanted to just die.

 

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My head was filled with all this horrible images of HIV and AIDS, things I’d seen over the years, it was awful. I’ve attempted to re-interpret it using music below.

Watch:

HIV and ME

I figured out what hook-ups / hang-outs / whatever the fuck it is was; it was the google app HANGOUTS. He knew I didn’t even have a webcam, so there was no way I could have been using it.  But regardless, he’d changed his profile pic to be the following after leaving me that message, ironic, don’t you think?

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The following are just a few additional fucked up messages he left. Please note I’m not 37 years old, either: he’s just high on drugs, drunk or delusion I believe, or losing his mind in frustration because I won’t answer his calls or return them. I do not have his dog. Steve is God knows where since I have no relationship with the man. And not one thing stated on a single voicemail is accurate. Nothing.  Zilch.  Nada.

Listen to: Missing Canine Kidnapping Report

 

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And this one is just precious; he’s wishing us well on some damn trip because now.. surprise to me… we’re married!  Yes, I had an arranged delusional marriage take place without my knowledge! This is fucking sick…

Listen to: Congratulations on your big, fat, fake wedding!whitethin

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This was also left, and is just straight up bizarre. 

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Suddenly, just like at the end of “Antichrist,” I came to find out that he’d taken away my sex, he’d ruined my ability to have sex again in a normal manner, without fear and share and having to disclose this nightmare, for the rest of my life. This is how von Trier did it in “Antichrist,” luckily in my life it was only performed symbolically.

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Sorry, but by clicking the below, you’ll possibly have nightmares but you’ll also know why “Antichrist” resulted in people being removed on stretchers at its premiere.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK; NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE ACTUALLY.

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