The Clone


Narcissists thrive from kicking you when you’re down. Adding to your troubles and blindsiding you increases the odds that you will become completely unhinged by the cruelty of their cold-blooded actions and complete surprise of your expulsion. Narcissists are fully anticipating you to beg, plead and promise to change even more than you already have when they unexpectedly break things off with you. The more that you abandon all dignity in a desperate attempt to try to understand how they could simply dispose of you as though you never meant anything to them, the grander and more in control they feel. Your pain creates a transitory jolt of self-worth that silences a narcissists nagging feelings of self-loathing. It gives them a temporary rush. Watching your heart break with agony is literally intoxicating to them. It’s the equivalent to a hit of cocaine.

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Ben had given me a new lease on life only to snatch it back abruptly, adding an inhumane “You’ll never see me again!” to the end of each farewell for that added punch of cruelty. If I’d never met Ben, my life would be so much better. He gave me a taste of heaven only to suddenly send me back into hell, only now I was fully cognizant that life could be bright and beautiful, unlike the misery I was stuck in once I was back in purgatory.

meandiThe next two months were abysmal, they were nothing more than loneliness. At home I spent my time lying in bed alone, staring lifelessly into my pillow, completely hopeless and depressed; at work I sat alone, staring lifelessly at a blank computer screen. Regardless of where I was, I was moving through life like a zombie, empty and cold. I was no longer living, instead I was just barely getting by.

My mind was either blank or experiencing electric shocks of Ben-withdrawal; all I could think about was how much I missed him. I couldn’t get him out of my mind no matter how hard I tried. I felt trapped, I felt like nobody understood me, and when I tried talking to my therapist or my family, all they seemed to do was blame me:

Why can’t you open your eyes and get out of this horrible relationship? You can only blame yourself for staying in this, you have no right to be depressed like this!

Nobody seemed to understand what this sort of relationship does to one mentally, emotionally, and physically; nobody understands that it’s more like an addiction that it is love. I was left feeling completely abandoned with no support in sight.


Ben was the first person to make me feel sexually comfortable in my own skin. I became convinced that sex for me was over forever. I tried finding someone, anyone, to take my mind off Ben in hopes of moving forward with my life. I met a few guys, hoping to find some sort of connection, if at least half-decent sex, but all I found was disappointment, each one being a total let-down in comparison to Ben.

Nobody came close to him and his pyrotechnic sex, in fact, all they did was reinforce how much I longed for him. I began to hate my life without him, it seemed empty, bleak and pointless. I blamed myself for doing something to ruin things, only I didn’t know what that something was. How did I manage to disappoint Ben so much that he wanted me out of his life for good? My final discard had finally arrived, and it hurt like nothing I’d experienced before. I felt like life was over.


How could we have shared this incredible bond… our first 10 months without a single fight… how could he have said he loved me, invested all that time in me, only to then thrown me away for the 100th time in an inhumane manner?


With a narcissist, the degree of viciousness and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge point to a truly toxic level of shame. It’s so unbearable that narcissists must instantly respond with a counter-assault to any person threatening to stir it up. All insults or wounds to his pride will be felt as an attack and provoke the usual blaming and contemptuous defenses… If you’ve ever felt hurt or humiliated by someone you know and then entertained fantasies of revenge, imagining that you would show that person up or triumph over him, then you’ll understand (to a degree) what the vindictive narcissist experiences. Unlike you and me, however, he can’t tolerate such painful humiliation, not even for a second, and revenge fantasies are not enough. He experiences the continuing reality of [criticism] as a continual threat, a constant assault upon his ideal self-image; as a result, his defenses remain on continual alert against it. At the least provocation — that is, whenever shame threatens to emerge — he will viciously strike out, like a snake assaulting its prey.


Why was my narcissist trying to get rid of me and not the reverse? It made no sense at all; I gave Ben everything, I even tolerated his abuse, what more could he want? Ben knew I was the best supply in his history. Yet he told me I was the worst guy he’d ever met, claiming I was the first guy he regretted “turning,” he even said he wanted to take out a restraining order against me – WTF?!?!?!? Ben claimed I was the first supply he couldn’t get rid of no matter what – how could say such things? How could he do so knowing how much I loved him, and how much pain it caused me? Even more strange was how the fuck could I still be in love with this abusive asshole? Trauma bond… that’s why I felt like I did; I hadn’t consented to this either whereas Ben had intentionally and knowingly done this to me (although he’ll forever deny it).




Shouldn’t the feelings be the reverse, shouldn’t I be the one fleeing with Ben begging me to stay? After all, Ben was the abuser; I treated him like royalty. I gave him everything he asked for, well, except for the goddamn breaks. But he’d ask for these breaks and then, one text later, he’d talk about us dating, then he’d follow that one up by saying he wanted us to get our weekends back. Of course he’d follow with another saying he’d been wanting me out of his life since the summer before.


It was confusing; yet despite the mixed messages, at the end of the day, he’d always throw out the following:

I’ve only been saying I lost interest in you since last summer; I’ve only been trying to get away from you since then. But you keep forcing me to stay in your life!

Forcing Ben to stay in my life? I couldn’t force Ben to treat me with respect, I couldn’t force Ben not to do the one thing he’d promised – not to discard me – which is something 99% of the world never considers doing. I couldn’t force Ben to do anything, he was so stubborn and dead-set in his ways. I couldn’t force him to end things on a win-win ever. It was his mean way, or the highway. His words were always so mean-spirited, it was clear he wanted to crush my spirit with his verbal assaults, and foolishly, I allowed them to do just that and get away with it.




Image result for narcissist evilDespite knowing that Ben was a narcissist all along, I thought he had a mild case of NPD or, like he said, “just some narcissistic traits, which everyone has.” I was convinced he had so much goodness hiding inside him, I never viewed him as a danger. I had fallen in love with him and saw past his negative traits and viewed him as a good person deep-down, a person who just had some problems he’d never learned to effectively manage. I believed Ben had empathy, although a bit dark; I believed Ben experienced love, albeit superficial; I believed Ben was a good-natured individual overall, just one whose emotions were blunted, whose interpersonal relationships were one-sided, and whose need for control and inability to compromise were inherently rigid. We all have flaws, but that doesn’t mean that someone is therefore a monster. So Ben was a bit different, but he was still a good person; or so he’d gaslighted me into believing.  When it came to all that narc negativity present in those pinterest-style memes (like the above, claiming narcissists want to murder your soul), I was certain none of it applied to Ben. Sure, he could be vicious and cruel, he definitely lacked guilt and remorse at times, but I was certain he had a warm heart and kind spirit deep-down, and at the end of the day, his goodness outweighed his badness. If not, how could Ben have once brought so much beauty into my life?

A Narcissist’s Damage: They Poison Your Mind, Your Heart, Your Soul And Your LIFE - was not buying into the negative narc nonsense in the literature despite all of Ben’s discards, lying and horrible put-downs; instead all the good things he’d done flooded my mind when I thought of him. Ben may have treated me horribly, but he also treated me better than anyone had treated me before. I was certain he didn’t view others as mere objects to use and dispose of like rubbish once they were worthless, no way, Ben wasn’t like that at all. Or at least Ben didn’t appear to be that way, as I have no way to know the inner-workings of his mind. Nonetheless, Ben sure could get nasty with me…






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I was actually sad that Ben wasn’t gonna be using me to relieve his stress as now I had nothing, all the guys online suddenly seemed so ugly in comparison, they all seemed… odd, off, and weird. I couldn’t put my finger on it though, at least not yet… it was as if they all had this narcissistic flare, leaving me wondering:

Is it them or is it me?


If I logged onto Grindr – all these new dudes living around me looked kinda retarded or animated, or dressed up in animal suits. This was strange, but I was too fixated on Ben’s final discard to pay them too much mind.


Maybe I’d been so spoiled by Ben’s incredible looks that I could no longer see beauty in another man as a result?


Or maybe these guys on Grindr were really that freaking ugly? Regardless I was down in the dumps, not paying attention to much outside of the darkness in my mind. Ben could be such a charmer, I always believed his promises, and time and again he’d prove to me why I should never have believed him, he was such a beautiful liar…

I promise I won’t discard you.


Ben ALWAYS had to flip the script on me like in the above, that little fucker; note how many times in his messages he he pulls that same move…

I promise I won’t discard you.


Last sentence above: another “flip it” back on me attempt…

I promise I won’t discard you.


I promise I won’t discard you.


I promise I won’t discard you.


My promises are worth nothing!











Above: another “flip it”!!



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I was destitute in losing Ben for the 88th time; I couldn’t grasp why he’d want to leave me after having sex with me more than 500 times and seeming to enjoy it so much. Didn’t he find sex special at all like I did? I guess not…



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Related imageOne night I was in bed, thinking back on all that had transpired. Why had Ben taken me back a month before, making me believe he still loved me, watching as I got my hopes up, only to revel in my shock as he double-toucan-discarded me not even 24 hours later? Why must he discard me like that always? Why couldn’t he ever end things with a win-win scenario for us both? Why did it always have to be on his terms which meant good for him and painful for me, why did he have to be dead set on terminating everything with cruelty? Didn’t he get that if he wanted me out of his life for good, it would be to his benefit to say goodbye on a positive note, instead of a sour one? All that negativity caused me to continue reaching out for closure. It gave Ben the opposite of what he said he wanted, which was me not reaching out for a thing. Discarding had no benefit for either one of us, yet he couldn’t seem to not discard me regardless; discarding was a must.


One night after expressing I felt suicidal (for the fifth time I believe) due to Ben’s mistreatment, he replied with the below:


Talk about narcissistic and self-centered: the only reasons he gave for me to remain alive Related imagewere related to him. He didn’t say I should keep living because I have friends and family who love me, because I had a promising future ahead; nope… the reasons he gave were all centered around Ben, Ben and more Ben. What shocked me, a Freudian slip, Ben actually admitted for the first time ever: he hated seeing me like this because HE was the cause. I’d say this was likely a half-truth; he probably enjoyed seeing me that way, or at least was indifferent, otherwise he’d treat me like a normal person does. But he did slip in admitting that his abuse was the reason why I found myself in complete despair. Why he added that due to his love he was walking away made no sense, but perhaps that was his nonsensical way of saying he was leaving me so I could get better, as him staying would bring nothing good into my life. When I pointed his own admission out out to him, he became rather and angry and hostile, fearing I’d use it against him as ammo:



If only I’d have realized the above was projection, I’d have had quite a bit of a head start in dealing with what came down the road.


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Image result for discard narcissistIt was June at this point, and Ben had left me without closure, without explanation, and without even a positive word, with just nastiness; I received one of his typical, nasty discard ways of saying adios weeks before. My feelings were that of a deflated balloon; I had self-imploded, I was tired, I was flat.  More than a month had passed since I’d seen of or heard from Ben. Then one evening we ended up making contact by email, and what ensued was a bitter argument, each of us failing to understand where the other was coming from.

Because the narcissist is ALWAYS in competition, your struggles may make them happy. Pathological envy is often a big trait I see in most people with NPD. Their sadistic tendencies take it a step further. #KnowTheSignsWhat left me so confused was why he’d done this all to me – why he’d come back into my life, why he seemed to enjoy spending all his time with me, why he constantly sang the praises of our sex, then, out of nowhere, he’d rattle off another round of “I hate you’s” and ask me to leave his life forever. It was inhumane and cruel. I’m not sure what set him off on this topic that night, but yet again he began blaming me for his narcissistic ways.

What, what, what?!?!?

Yes; he claimed that me bringing up the topic of narcissism left him contemplating that he might be one. I laughed a bit internally – I made him contemplate being a narcissist? I never contemplated if he was one or not – I was dead certain that he was, there was no way out of that argument. Who was he kidding? He was like this way before I mentioned that word, in fact, the only reason I discovered the word to begin with was because I looked up his behavior which brought the subject right up; just google “sex as a weapon” and every article found involves narcissism. These things all preceded me using that word with him, they preceded me entering his life, hell, they preceded him being an adult most likely.




Image result for narcissist no compromiseWas he totally blind to his own way of acting, speaking and treating others? Had he repressed this so deep inside his mind that he couldn’t even see a glimpse of reality?  Ben being a narcissist wasn’t something I created, or encouraged, or even liked – I wished he wasn’t one, I wished he was normal, maybe things would have worked out much better for the two of us had that been the case. This was not the Ben I fell in love with; this was an evil, sadistic demon who knew how to put on one hell of an act, all the while knowing he was in it for one reason: to watch the person who’d fallen in love with him fall into pieces, to get the ultimate revenge on the one person who knew his secret – that he wasn’t perfect at all but quite the opposite, that he was a narcissist.

break234 weeks passed and instead of realizing how much better life could get without Ben’s darkness, I was stuck living in the past, and I saw my own darkness, still believing Ben was my only light.

I continued ruminating on how I could fix Ben, how I could help him become that “ideal” who he sought to be, who he was when we first met. I tried reaching out to him, but like always… it was just the silent treatment, blocked numbers, and email messages being returned to sender. It was painful, this discard / no closure shit had taken its tole on me. It made no sense to me why Ben hated me so much, why he wanted me out of his life, time and again, and always on his terms. I remember how I’d invited him over several times, informing him I had something he wanted badly, a surprise for him was waiting; and he’d get there, and I’d say:

I’m now ready to leave your life, Ben. I know it’s what you’ve wanted for a year you keep on saying – so I’m ready to do it and I won’t have any problem doing it now.

Only every time I’d say that – because, I guess, it was on my terms, and it can’t be on anyone but the narcissist’s terms – he’d look at me upset, sad, and say:

No – now I want you to stay in my life, I don’t want you to leave.

Image result for narcissist no apologyDoh! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t with a narcissist.  I thought I’d treated Ben beyond wonderfully. Yes, I’d given him a hard time when he tried leaving me via the discard route: it was the ONE thing he swore he’d never do in order for me to enter in this relationship which appears to be more akin to the relationship between a farmer and an ox. But everything else he asked for, I somehow always gave him. In time I realized that it was his nature to discard – and by me calling him out on it – it brought narcissism into the front and center, as only narcissists discard others. So every time he tried to leave me in that style and I called it a discard – internally he’d rage, and remain in my life for fear that if he left as planned, he’d be labeled a narcissist that discarded me. So he stayed… but blamed me for “forcing” him to stay. I couldn’t force Ben to do anything, let alone stay; he chose to stay – but all because I’d used the word discard.







Image result for narcissist only does what they wantI’d say over all Ben treated me like I was second-class trash most of the time, which I  detested, and I rarely actually used the “n” word in response. When we first met, he abused and mistreated me terribly; I didn’t know what to make of any of it, and so I did some research online; up came a series of articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I “unknowingly” asked that question without realizing what I was causing; I did so “unknowingly” in regards to the explosion that would erupt. But then he sought me out to return to my life and have a romance with me. I assumed that the word narcissist wasn’t such a touchy subject after all – I mean – he said he loved me, right? The first time that topic came up, Ben said to me:

I don’t like that word. It has too many negative connotations in society. I have some narcissistic traits, but they’re against my life philosophy, and therefore I don’t use them.

Occasionally when obvious traits would pop up – like him lying to me about something major, or him discarding me repeatedly, I’d bring up the topic. But I honestly thought since he wanted so badly not to act on these traits, that me pointing them out to him was helping him reach his “ideal.” He always spoke of becoming the “ideal self” he aimed to be. But I didn’t bring this up trying to force him to believe anything; he was this way long before I entered his life. Despite knowing this and even being the guy who “exposed” him, I thought we had done pretty well for ourselves as a couple, or better said, me being his narcissistic supply. Only now it was back to being a highly touchy subject and I was the offender again… and I realized that every time I said that word during the previous 18 months it was like nails on a chalkboard to Ben. He wanted to eat me at this point.


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Image result for discard narcissistBen didn’t return because he wanted to see me improve with my depression, it wasn’t because he didn’t want to miss another opportunity for us to date, Ben chose to return to hurt me, to destroy me, he wanted to ensure he did all possible to leave me as depressed and distraught as possible – all because I was that one person that called him out on being  a narcissist several years prior. All the time he wasted on me – flattering me, giving me so much attention, teaching me how to have sex, professing his love, pretending we’d date one day soon – it was all done as one giant, manipulative act of revenge, it was the exploitation of all exploitation. Only It just so happened Ben discovered he actually liked me, he liked my innocence (at the time) and that I authentically loved him, he enjoyed sex with me a great deal – as sick as it sounds, keep in mind people with NPD are delusional and don’t make sense – so despite being the focus twilightof his revenge, he enjoyed me giving him great sex, he enjoyed me showering him with love, he enjoyed playing the role of fake boyfriend… all the while wanting me dead. WTF?!??!

Remember… nothing makes sense in the world of NPD, nothing at all.

I won’t deny it: I was one incredible source of narcissistic supply, mainly due to my romantic inexperience and my belief that others were honest and kind. But in playing that role, I was still just an object, a mere extension of Ben, and nothing more. So he didn’t actually care about me living or dying, as long as he got to witness my dramatic reaction to either, that’s all that mattered to him.


Image result for narcissist views all you do as a threatI made one giant error with Ben; I believed his word to be true, and I held him accountable to the promises he made. After all, that’s how everyone else operated; I had no clue that narcissists can’t be held accountable for anything at all. He’d promised never to discard me (he never promised he wouldn’t leave, he never promised his feelings couldn’t change, he only promised not to leave me in a way intended to leave me feeling worthless), so each time he tried to leave by blocking me completely without an explanation, I held him accountable, insisting that I wouldn’t accept that form of goodbye. All his promises, a friendship lasting a lifetime, Ben wanting to ditch his narcissistic traits and instead meet his ideals, him viewing me as his other boyfriend – I held on to everything he said like the Gospel. I kept stick around all because I thought he could be accountable to his word, just like I could, just like nearly everyone could. Only… a narcissistic can be held accountable to nothing.

Ben likely viewed the words narcissist or discard as a form of an attack, but they were just me pointing out the obvious. Ben also seemed to think that discarding someone entailed blocking them and not saying goodbye to their face. No, to discard someone means to throw them away, even if to their face, even if they’re not blocked, the intention is to dump a partner in a way that denies them closure and is extremely painful and humiliating, block or no block.



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So he returned for round 2, putting on an act, reading me so well he could mirror back my needs almost perfectly, all to make sure he was never exposed by me with the truth. Only he managed to do things so horrific and unconscionable, he managed to expose himself. What I thought made up a narcissist, what caused me to question him at the end of round 1, wasn’t even close to what Ben truly hid within himself – I had no idea at all just how horrible Ben truly was underneath his mask. So the logic behind Ben’s fear and revenge was highly flawed; because he ended up proving without a shadow of a doubt that he was not only a narcissist – but he gave a true glimpse as to what a narcissist truly is. I think even the memes were an understatement to be honest.

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But I digress…

Without a shadow of a doubt, exposing who he truly was for the world to see. And what I’d suggested at the end of round 1 was Disney compared to what I discovered laid underneath his mask thanks to his own actions in round 2.  I digress… but anyway, during our conversation, Ben began to rage even more at me:

What will it take for you to get the fuck out of my life forever? I will do anything you want if you just leave me alone forever. Just say the words – I’ll do it – then get the fuck out forever!

mmMake note of something strange in the texts during this conversation, it’s evident in the conversation below and in the heading of the text to the right: the name of Ben’s contact linked to his 240 number in my phone suddenly has my name (Alex) on it instead of his (Ben). I didn’t notice this initially when we were communicating that night.

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I told him I wanted just one thing, as he offered everything from sex to a night together; what mattered more to me than anything was the one thing Ben wasn’t actually capable of giving, only I didn’t realize that. I asked for: an apology.



While the above covers many of these, here’s my favorite montage of Ben’s final apologies that night:



loyalWishful thinking on my part, although at the time I thought I’d gotten an apology, at least at that moment. But instead of offering a heart-felt feeling of remorse it was back-handed… Damn that little sneaky SOB… But I was so caught up in the moment – Ben was coming over to apologize, and I hadn’t seen him in a month, I was beside myself, and didn’t pay much attention to the fact that our numbers seemed to be crossed and he truly hadn’t apologized. Ben showed up and asked me if he could have the password to my Wi-Fi, saying he was out of minutes and needed to make a text. I gave it to him without giving it a second thought. Then, like always, Ben wanted sex, and it was magical, and then… he left.

I felt sad, I felt bummed, but at the same time I felt like at least I’d gotten something I always wanted – even if it was half-assed and back-handed – I received an apology.

The next day was when I recognized that Ben’s contact in my phone appeared with my name: ALEX. Strange… when I went to change it back to BEN, I realized my own phone contact also changed to BEN.


What the hell was going on? I began picking my contacts apart, trying to make sense of  this, when I discovered an elaborate connection of hidden contacts, many were Ben’s, several were either mine or free text app numbers I’d used in the past, but in time I’d come to discover that Ben had 8 contacts registered to him – the boy apparently had a lot of alias numbers registered to him oddly. The contacts were all set up the same: they had wire-tap icons on them, they were often only found when scrolling through my contacts as opposed to actually typing in the name and searching – searching for them by typing the contact name often brought up nothing.


Then I saw something that shocked me:  Ben’s main contact was sitting right in the middle of the encrypted app, Signal, whose encryption the CIA can’t even break. It’s how I could use the word narcissist with my therapist, the messages are both encrypted and self-destruct, and given Ben’s history of snooping, Signal had become a staple in my communication. Ben had claimed that for the last week that he’d locked himself out of his I-phone, yet… the contact linked with the I-Phone was sitting (visually) right in the middle of the Signal app, see below. Could have have been trying to access my most private conversations?



logn.jpgI was confused; I was also fearful. I remembered hearing that when it comes to a narcissist, no level is too low for them to stoop when the get mad and want to get revenge.

They’ll rat you out for things they do, they’ll rat you out for things you don’t do, they will lie to police and judges, they’ll get you fired from your job for nothing you’ve even done; they’re extremely vindictive when thwarted and there’s no level too low for a narcissist to stoop – at least according to the literature. While I’d read this I never thought it could possibly apply to Ben. But seeing this strange concoction in my phone left me feeling alarmed.

I then remembered two things regarding my phone that I hadn’t paid much attention to prior: one morning I’d woken up and my phone had an error:  SD card removed. I’d initially asked Ben, he brushed it off as something he wouldn’t have done, especially since he had an IPhone he said. Only… another oddity, Ben went out and got an Android, just like mine, during our relationship. I later found out that you can insert a SD card in someone’s phone, then remove it, and it tracks everything the individual has done with their phone.


When I texted Ben the next day, mentioning this strange hidden contact underworld in my phone, he seemed irritated, suggesting he’d deal with this “game” like he does with other nuisances: by discarding.


Somehow I managed to get Ben to come over several days later, confronting him with screen shots of what I found in my phone. But I decided to do something: I decided to record the conversation, that way, I could listen to it again and again, as his way of talking often confused me, plus he liked to re-write history and deny what he’d said later on. I checked first to ensure it was legal: and yes, in DC, only one-party consent is needed to record, and I was that one party. I included just a brief snippet below, as the full conversations reveals full names; what he said blew me out of the water, as he projected what he’d done with the phone onto me, saying I’d done it…. to see in a “round-about way” if he’d been speaking to none-other than – THOSE PEOPLE!?!?!?! What the fuck?!?!?!? He was always name dropping the police, “those people,” thank God I got that recorded:

2proj.PNGTurn off the music player below when listening to Ben’s projected admission.




whitethinImage result for narcissist enjoys your painAfter we talked about things, Ben left me shaking in my tracks. This all seemed to surreal to be happening – why and how did Ben have anything to do with “those people”? Why had he always name-dropped them throughout our entire relationship? Why had he gone into my phone and manually hacked it like he had?  Why had he inserted and removed an SD card – the intention of that is to track everything someone does on a phone – but why was he doing that to me? Why did he view my life as something he could destroy – his analogy of me being this rotten limb in a tree that deserves to be chopped off – that was down-right sickening. Why did Ben feel like he was God – he was the one that had the ability and right to choose whether I live or die? I didn’t see Ben’s viewpoints as always being accurate, I thought many of them were often as far from that as possible. How could he have spent the last several months playing nice to my face… but all the while doing a bunch of horrible things behind my back to invade my privacy? I felt nauseous; when Ben left I started vomiting and couldn’t stop.

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Can I be straight up with you? Narcissists destroy good people. If you have reason to believe that your partner is a narcissist, your future and your health are in grave danger. I know you were raised to believe that goodness always prevails, to turn the other cheek, and to help those you love who are in need, but when it comes to narcissists, those beliefs will bring you crashing down in a heap of flames. Narcissists are extremely good at making you believe they are on the mend, that they will treat you better, and that they’ve finally had The Divine Epiphany. You know, the one where the angels parted the clouds in a glorious moment of melodic, celestial descension, touching down and instilling divine insight into the narcissist’s brain, revealing how much they need you in their life and how sorry they are for all the pain they’ve caused. But, it’s all a scheme to destroy you.


I began looking up where these numbers led to via reverse call lookup sites. One contact led to a general number but nobody was registered to it; I called it and received an all-too-familiar voice I recognized: it was the generic voicemail greeting for “those people.” I called Ben on the phone:

I just called and got the voicemail for “those people” on the 301 contact that was unknown.  What is going on here?

Ben replied:

I’m sorry but I’m dealing with my own issues at home. I don’t have time for your problems.




I started shaking all over, I was trembling in disbelief, in fear, in outrage, and in anguish; I felt like this was the ultimate betrayal ever.

My problem? How was this MY problem? I didn’t have any problem. Ben created this problem and knowingly and intentionally assigned it to me unknowingly, he was the one that made this problem arrive, because I didn’t have ANY problem at all before.

The way I saw it – this was all Ben’s doing, it was by sheer chance that I discovered the phone issues and asked what I did, recording it and all. This might now be my problem , whatever it was, but it was a problem Ben created without a doubt. When I tried asking him or more information, Ben passive-aggressively used fear to silence me with his nasty responses, threatening to hurt even more, attempting to show me that he held all the power, if I didn’t drop the subject.

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So much for my apology, so much for doing me a favor, he’d used these all as illusions to get back at me and gain access to my Wi-Fi, leaving me feeling far worse than I did before. Like always, I had no idea just how bad things were about to become…. could it be any other way?


Of course not, this is MY story, MY blog, and MY life is never that lucky.

Eraser deleting the word Narcissism

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Narcissists & Revenge: Hell Hath No Fury

With a narcissist, the degree of viciousness and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge point to a truly toxic level of shame. It’s so unbearable that narcissists must instantly respond with a counter-assault to any person threatening to stir it up. All insults or wounds to his pride will be felt as an attack and provoke the usual blaming and contemptuous defenses… If you’ve ever felt hurt or humiliated by someone you know and then entertained fantasies of revenge, imagining that you would show that person up or triumph over him, then you’ll understand (to a degree) what the vindictive narcissist experiences. Unlike you and me, however, he can’t tolerate such painful humiliation, not even for a second, and revenge fantasies are not enough. He experiences the continuing reality of [criticism] as a continual threat, a constant assault upon his ideal self-image; as a result, his defenses remain on continual alert against it. At the least provocation — that is, whenever shame threatens to emerge — he will viciously strike out, like a snake assaulting its prey.
If you dare to question a narcissist or request things like healthy boundaries and honesty, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The “Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.
Every survivor or narcissistic abuse describes narcissists in DANGEROUS terms. Each person that’s been victimized personally by a narcissist will warn you and serve as a cautionary tale that if you welcome a narcissist into your life, you’re dancing with the devil; welcoming them in to do one thing and one thing only to you: use, abuse and destroy you. Many onlookers or those who haven’t experienced the narcissist in an unmasked state have a hard time believing that the people we describe and the horrendous acts of abuse committed on us were done by the very people they have a different opinion of. They don’t understand the disordered’s modus operandi. They don’t understand that their belief that the narcissist is a “likeable or admirable” character is evidence that the danger has already started, they’re manipulated by the narcissist’s “mask” and they’re in complete denial of reality. Narcissists are capable of inflicting physical and psychological harm on others and are unmoved by the plight of those they hurt. If you are trying to analyze a narcissist’s behavior and hear yourself saying, “But they SHOULD…” STOP RIGHT THERE. Whether or not a narcissist “should” care, is irrelevant because it was built into them a very very long time ago, that they CAN’T CARE. They don’t have the built in capacity to care: they lack EMPATHY. When we’re discussing the insidious subtext to a narcissist’s dangerous behavior, let’s remember that on the SURFACE, the narcissist is still pretending, charming, conning, manipulating, giving you some bones, – whatever behaviors work to get you to continue to stick around even though the narcissist doesn’t care and KNOWS THEY DON’T truly “care” will be the tools they use again and again to keep you around.
And what makes narcissists so dangerous is that if you discover that they are a narcissist or even expose them as one they go in for the kill. They are not above lying to judges or police officers to ruin your life. Their perfect appearance must be preserved at all costs. They will get you fired from your job. They will cry rape. They will do whatever they can to stop the truth from coming out. They will get a court order to throw you into a mental hospital. They will drive you crazy so that you will feel you have to go to a mental hospital. They will convince the authorities that you are a danger to yourself and to others. The goal is to have you eliminated. And most times they succeed.

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Hell Hath No Fury Like a Narcissist President Scorned

Brace yourself, dear reader, for today’s topic is rage. Not just any garden-variety rage, but its narcissistic kind, one of the darkest and most destructive manifestations of our Shadow.

A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface, sometimes hovering above it in the form of sadistic cruelties dispensed casually without specific reason, just because (that stupid dog was in my way, you are so fat and ugly, only idiots park their cars in this spot, and no one talks to me like that — any or no reason would do). There are, however, solid enough explanations of its existence.

You may have heard of Donald Trump’s very bad day the other Tuesday — or rather what would have been a very bad day for any normal person / presidential candidate confronted with his inaccuracies and lies. For Donald, however, it was just Tuesday as usual, complete with playing the Perpetual Victim of the Cruel and Unforgiving Press, and humiliating people who dared to question him about these pesky things known as facts.

The sordid as usual spectacle was instructive, as is everything else coming from the man, in the dynamics of narcissistic pathology.

First, the bombast. His over-the-top pronouncements about his huuuge charitable efforts are meant to shock and awe the audience into unquestioning submission.

Second, should any audience member retain his or her bearings and still manage to persist in their questioning, next comes the unloading of the massive victimhood complex designed to cow them into silence filled, presumably, with commiseration and appreciation for the Put Upon Donny and His Unique Suffering (and, oh, how he suffers! only a narcissist can suffer so — you mere mortals / losers cannot possibly comprehend it).

Third — since, remarkably enough, the first two options did not quite work, a sign perhaps that some of the press members are growing spines — there followed a predictable, but still shocking, dose of sadism in the form of insults, direct and less so, meant to shut everyone up for good.

It is instructive to watch The Donald, who epitomizes dishonesty and sleaze, rage at the reporters for being “dishonest” and call them sleazy — for trying to extract some honesty and truth from him. He shames them — or futilely attempts to, given that his moral standing is non-existent and reality is decidedly not on his side — with the ease and force that indicates the extent of his own fear of shame.

This sequelae, seen above, in response to shame is classic for any narcissist, especially one of this extreme caliber, for very obvious reasons:

The narcissist tends to be very sensitive to shame, which he perceives as humiliation: a blow to his ego (sense of self) and/or a threat to what he sees as his important status compared to others. This sensitivity is the reason why he tends to lash out at those who shame or appear to shame him in any way. His reactions to shame are grossly disproportionate to the “offense;” he will hold grudges and seek revenge sometimes till death, his own or his “offender’s,” whichever comes first. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.
Shame is so difficult for a narcissist to tolerate because it arises from an exposure of some flaw of his to others. He has many serious shortcomings; but in his own eyes he is perfect and surpasses everyone else, as he will let you know time and again, directly and not. He must retain this grandiose delusion of superiority and perfection at all costs because this is all he has. His bigger than life persona hides an empty inner core, devoid of meaningful values and attachments. A prick of shame exposing any flaws in the narcissist’s façade has a potential of deflating it and effectively destroying him since there is nothing of substance to fall back on within his inner world.
The rage with which a narcissist reacts to shame or humiliation thus deflects attention from his inner emptiness. That rage is often a predominant emotion, particularly in a narcissist who feels chronically deprived of the admiration and perks he believes he deserves (and as his need for admiration and perks is bottomless, so then is his sense of deprivation). It does not take much to provoke it: a simple, neutral observation or a request can suddenly unleash it on an unsuspecting victim.
The vehement defense against shame is also another reason why a narcissist never takes responsibility for his behavior. Why should he anyway, when he’s perfect and does no wrong? Nothing is ever his fault, no matter how great a mess he creates. Responsibility is always projected outwards, onto others, as blame. Admitting his culpability in anything could lead to shame and cracks in the false façade that defines his character — and his ego won’t allow that. It is a matter of life and death, ‘psychically’ speaking.
The flip side of his shame intolerance is his desire to humiliate others. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. He derives pleasure from inflicting on others the kind of pain he himself wants to avoid at all costs. Humiliating other people is almost as satisfying as winning. It helps that the two often go together in the narcissist’s life. In fact, humiliating others is itself a win. And he likes to win.

What we have seen in Donald’s behavior was a relatively mild version of narcissistic aggression in response to shame, but it gives us a glimpse of what’s beneath it. We are still in the wooing phase, and Donald is, believe it or not, on his best behavior.

He is still The Charming Donald (or what passes for charming in Trumpland), trying to curry our favor and votes. If he makes it into the White House, then we will get to know his true self, unhampered by all these frivolous niceties.

We must appreciate the often sadistic and always revealing quality of insults dished out by The Donald at the people who try to confront him with reality, because, in the Freudian-slippage way, they expose his shadow — take this one, directed at ABC’s Tom Llamas on Tuesday:

You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well.

In this breathtaking attack, The Donald conveyed more than he wished. While his intent was to imply that he was being unfairly (but of course) criticized by the reporter who should know better, he let us know, Freudian-slippage style, what we have observed time and again: that reality as we know it with its pesky facts is optional — and threatening — for him, because he lives in his own version of it, where we all should join him (if we knew what’s good for us).

This again ties in with his pathological defense against shame. A narcissist’s facts and facts as most of us know them are distinctly incompatible, and you bring it up at your own risk.

Should the truth — those inconvenient realities of his life and his character as the rest of us see them — be revealed, he would be emotionally annihilated, so he cannot allow that. Yes, a narcissist would kill, easily, to protect his fragile ego from this unforgivable, to him, insult of the truth.

That narcissistic rage attacks can be deadly we see in, for example, the tragic and seemingly incomprehensible instances of lethal domestic violence where a narcissistically injured spouse, usually a husband, lashes out at his wife who may have offended him “for the last time” by confronting him with some imperfection of his (as in, Would you take your shoes off the table, please?). We can also see it, brazenly displayed, in the lives of genocidal tyrants. Saddam Hussein, for instance, was known to invite his advisers to give him honest feedback, and then execute those who took the honest part seriously. Ditto Stalin.

The epidemic of gun violence in the US, particularly mass shootings — a persistent clamoring of our Shadow to pay attention to its presence, something we equally persistently refuse to do — is also driven largely by narcissistic rage. During a news conference several days ago about the UCLA shooter, the chief of LAPD said the following:

Everybody tries to look for a good reason for this. There is no good reason for this. This is a mental issue, mental derangement.

He was correct that there is no good reason for this and that “mental derangement” is the cause — but we should learn to identify and name this specific mental derangement, called aggrieved entitlement, which is a form of narcissistic rage, already. Our failure to do so, repeatedly and with the kind of stubbornness that suggests willful blindness, is deadly. Whatever other difficulties the UCLA shooter may have experienced, we can assume with a fair degree of certainty that narcissistic entitlement and rage were among them, as it is nearly always the case. For it takes a grand dose of faith in one’s specialness to believe that one has a right to take another’s life — or many — in revenge for whatever slights, real or imagined, one may have experienced.

Tom Llamas’ offense, like those unlucky honest Hussein’s advisers, was, in addition to confronting Trump with cold facts about his charitable inactivities, ignoring those central facts that comprise the narcissist’s reality:

It is not, however, as though his understanding of himself and the world is entirely fact-free. There are three major facts around which his whole reality is organized:
1. I am great.
2. People unfairly malign me.
3. I will show them (they will pay).
Those are not just beliefs — they are facts etched deep in his psyche, and they evoke corresponding emotional states of 1. grandiose pride, 2. sense of victimhood and resentment, 3. desire for revenge, all of which form the core of his sense of self and motivate his actions.

“You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well” — the real facts, about the narcissist’s unsurpassed and unquestioned greatness — and you choose to ignore them. You will pay.

Trump’s gratuitous putdowns hint at the reservoir of narcissistic rage within. If physical violence (or a lawsuit) is not an option, sadistic insults will do. We all remember his gleeful mockery of a disabled reporter; yesterday, he gave us another example when talking about John Kerry’s accident in France last year:

He goes into a bicycle race, and he breaks his leg, and he’s incapacitated. And you know what they’re saying to each other? ‘How dumb is this guy? How dumb?’

The crowd laughed, as WaPo reports.

Narcissistic rage is easily evoked by the weakness of others, which the narcissist finds contemptible and deserving punishment, sometimes giving us hints at his own early traumas he may have experienced as a weak and helpless child at mercy of his harsh and/or cruel caretakers.

It also gives us a close look at other aspects of his shadow. Here is what Trump said about Hillary Clinton this week:

She’s a total mess, she’s unstable, and she can’t be president.

And how he responded when asked why he engaged in Twitter wars with Elizabeth Warren:

Because she is a nasty person, a terrible senator, and it drives her crazy.

These grade-school level barbs, which, like everything else that comes from the man’s mouth, are based on projection, tell us most about his shadow, facts which he does not want to — cannot, at a risk of grave injury — acknowledge of himself: that he is a nasty person, a total mess, unstable, terrible at his job (whatever it really is), and easily driven crazy by petty insults and criticisms. Oh, and that he can’t be president. If only Donald listened to his shadow…

Narcissistic rage is one of the darkest and deadliest forces known to mankind. Before it erupts, it usually simmers and percolates for a long time, fueled by resentment, envy and entitlement, the latter always aggrieved as the narcissist’s need for adulation and glory is insatiable and he can see the world populated by the undeserving, inferior people who nevertheless dare to be happier and/or more successful than he is. It thus creates enemies out of the innocent and often weak who become vessels for the narcissist’s hateful and envious projections.

These sustained projections form a basis of an attitude called the narcissism of minor differences, first described by Freud, where we exaggerate small differences in people who are our neighbors — their dress, the shape of their noses, etc. — in order to feel superior to them and exclude them from our group. This attitude, like anything else based on fear and hatred, easily infects others, already narcissistically predisposed; and the sharing makes the hateful projections grow and spread. The co-existent phenomenon of collective narcissism, which intensifies the in-group ties (and which is unsurprisingly associated with authoritarianism) at the expense of excluding and demonizing those who do not belong to our group, strengthens this pathological, but common and predictable enough process.

Once established as a more or less legitimate shared worldview, the narcissism of minor differences leads to an easy dehumanization of The Other, entrenched in racism and other forms of prejudice. It culminates in mob actions, gang violence, terrorism, and endless internal conflicts and wars, which — because of their grand scale and the magnitude of destruction — are the ultimate expressions of narcissistic rage and the deadliest manifestations of our Shadow.

And we allow this to happen.

Much cyberink has been spilled on analyzing Trump’s enduring appeal to American voters, and lauding his purported political mastery. This predictable but misguided adulation that stems from widespread narcissistic collusion and denial it creates (and the other way around) is exactly what the narcissist desires and aims at extracting from others.

It is unforgivable that our media not only legitimize this destructive individual, but imbue him with all kinds of special skills, attributing to him, with admiration and awe, political genius and media savvy.

Not coincidentally, the same happened with other leaders in human history who shared this character defect: while they were ridiculed by some, they were lauded by the press, domestic and foreign, for their “eloquence” and “brilliant political skills” as they peddled their grandiose dreams of glory alongside contempt and hatred for their “enemies,” The Others.

This is a marvelous demagogue who can really inspire loyalty.
This guy is a clown. He’s like a caricature of himself.

That’s how the media both idealized and devalued another similar character from the past who set out to show the world how great he was and how much adulation he deserved, Adolf Hitler.

This happens every time with an extreme (psychopathic) narcissistic leader / public character, because his pathology evokes just that very kind of response in people, media people included: it makes us either laugh in disbelief and contempt, or idolize his hyped-up “skills” — which are really nothing more than expressions of his pathology — often both at the same time. And while the public is both amused and mesmerized by the future tyrant’s larger-than-life persona, he ever so persistently marches toward his ultimate goal unimpeded — because the number of those who fall for his narcissistic manipulations is always too large.

The predictable and co-occurring idealization and devaluation are two emotional states that generally define a narcissist’s attitude toward himself (idealization) and others (devaluation; see the insults discussed above). He projects them, primitively — i.e., without any self-reflection or inhibitions, as there is no functioning conscience to impose such “obstacles” on his mental processes and behavior — onto the world and constructs an entire ideology from them.

When dressed up in grandiose and empty sloganeering on patriotism, faith, national purity, and other perverted “ideals,” this pathological process is mistaken for “political brilliance” and other such dangerous nonsense, as it inspires too many people to follow the leader, even if straight into an abyss. His irresistible pull lies not in any specific policies he may be promising (and being blissfully unacquainted with reality, he is always short and/or vague on those), but in the feelings his words engender in his followers, specifically a narcissistic identification with the strongman, which compensates for his followers’ inadequacies; and narcissistic rage, which the strongman embodies and already unleashes on the nation through inciting chaos and violence. The only promises that matter are those which bring in a possibility of revenge for the real and imagined hurts of his followers. That, too, is our Shadow at work.

This phenomenon, part of narcissistic collusion that develops between narcissistic leaders and their followers in any human group and organization, is as common as it is dangerous. It should be obvious that any promises and “serious” pronouncements such a leader makes are not worth the air he wastes uttering them. The only “skills” that he possesses come from his emotional primitivism combined with his grandiosity and lack of conscience, which allow him to unleash the disordered contents of his psyche on the world without any inhibition or compunction.

This appeals to and “awes” people who are psychologically similar, but frightens and repulses, correctly, the rest who are not as primitive and/or disordered and who see where this dangerous process leads. Unfortunately, too many journalists, not to mention Trump’s admirers and supporters, apparently belong in the former camp, as their shadow dangerously colludes with his.

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