Narcissists are highly secretive. They create special compartments for their innumerable secrets. There are narcissists who lead a series of impenetrable compartmentalized private lives. Since narcissists don’t have a developed conscience it doesn’t bother them that they are continually betraying those closest to them–spouses in particular.
I didn’t understand the concept of narcissistic supply back then, I didn’t understand that Ben had no real attachment or feelings of love towards me but rather Ben loved the fact that I loved him. He felt validated by and alive from any sort of attention I gave him. Good or bad, positive or negative, attention to a narcissist is all that matters, it’s what feeds the False Self’s sense of being authentic, important, valuable and “real” whereas the False Self is nothing more than smoke and mirrors.
It didn’t matter how I reacted, as long as I didn’t react with indifference or silence, I was validating the existence of Ben’s False Self as genuine instead of something Ben created to hide his disordered, flawed, and damaged True Self.
Ben was my sexual awakening and gained a great deal of power over me, and I remained trapped in this hazy, love-bombed mentality. No matter how horrible he could be at times, I still felt that deep-down he was almost a God of sorts. Yes, at times he was rigid, self-absorbed, showed a real lack of empathy and interpersonal exploitation but it was never enough to make me run the other way; I was addicted to the narcissist as they say.
While I knew he lied a lot, I tended to believe what he said, especially when he lied directly to my face (as opposed to lying by text message, email or phone). I’ll give Ben credit: he’s one hell of a believable liar. When Ben claimed to be introverted and needed his “alone time” as opposed to intentionally and knowingly driving me mad with the silent treatment, I accepted his words as truthful. When Ben said me and his beau were the only two guys he had sexual feelings towards I bought it hook, line and sinker; the boy had a power over me I can’t put into words.
Ben now said not to ever worry again about being discarded as he swore that would never happen again. He claimed he’d invested far too much into me to just throw me away and discard me, promising me that the days of discarding were days of the past and I need not worry about that issue anymore. Ben knew I’d been conditioned into being triggered the moment anything discard-related was mentioned into freaking out and flying off the deep end.
There was one instance when I sat down with Ben and pulled up literature on being “triggered,” trying to educate him on the importance of not bringing up my vulnerabilities or triggers. I believed that this teaching / learning experience made this “register” with him. I failed to realize I’d essentially given him the blueprints on how to drive me insane.
I was aware of Ben seeming to create problems out of thin air at times when it wasn’t necessary, but I always assumed he was just slightly paranoid and overly sensitive. I never considered he’d done these things on purpose, especially not since he’d claimed he was working so hard to be the ideal version of himself that he saw in his head.
They create imaginary scenarios out of thin air just to blame you for them. A narcissist is a pathological liar – someone who will lie just for the fun of it. They draw amusement and entertainment from their victims having to defend themselves against baseless accusations. Blame shifting ensures that the target is on edge, restless, and wastes their energy trying to explain themselves rather than simply stating the facts and standing firm in their self-validation.
One night Ben called to say that “those people” called asking questions about me; “those people” was how Ben referred to the officers that had arrested John, my neighbor who befriended me right before I met Ben in round one.
Ben’s other boyfriend, the one he’d claimed to be breaking up with any moment since he returned for round two, was their confidential informant according to Ben. I did a random background check on his boyfriend and his arrest record corroborated Ben’s claims, as well. I thought Ben was trying to “throw me off,” there was no reason they’d want anything to do with me. But then, days later, I received their call. My subsequent visit to see “those people” cost me $4k for an attorney and we found out nothing. Initially they said they had reason to believed I’d committed a crime in Maryland. I thought to myself:
They must have me confused with someone else. Outside of visiting my family and when I worked there well over a year ago, the only time I’ve been to Maryland was that one time when Ben literally yanked me out of bed and dragged me to his house for that god-awful threesome with him and his boyfriend.
I never considered there was any connection. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about. The officers seemed anxious and fidgety; they tried offering me something to sign that would give me immunity if I told them what I knew only I didn’t know what they were talking about. We’d met them in Virginia and my lawyer read over the paper, stating it didn’t appear to give me immunity in DC where I lived. He said he wasn’t recommending I sign anything. Then the officers acted even stranger and started talking about random things unrelated to crime.
The one agent showed me his new iPhone, letting me play with it for a few minutes before we left. My lawyer described this as the strangest interaction with police in his career. I had no clue why they’d even contacted me but they sure were a lot kinder this time with an attorney present than they were when I first met them in that van in Northern Virginia. That was the time when I was leaving and the one officer cautioned me against using gay chat apps and dating sites, saying they could get me into trouble one day. All I knew was I didn’t want anything to do with those people and I was glad this random meeting went smoothly.
When I told Ben, he claimed he was joking when he said they called him asking about me and, given the coincidence, he didn’t feel safe anymore with me, using it as an excuse to discard me yet again, the fucker. Within two weeks, Ben was back at my side like always, of course, not acknowledging having discarded me nor apologizing either, which was expected. The whole thing was weird but I just thought it was another random, weird event in life, never thinking about on it.
One night Ben came over to celebrate Valentine’s day with me. When he was leaving, he did something that was completely unlike him: he kissed me goodbye, and for the second time in our nearly year-long romance, he said:
I love you.
I was smitten, and I was taken aback as it was so unlike Ben to be romantic in the slightest. Despite us having more sex in a week than most do in their lifetimes, the element of love or romance was never present, at least not on his part. He went on to say that he’d likely return later to spend the night after he took care of a few things at home. In typical Ben fashion, he never returned, instead leaving me to stay up all night long waiting in anticipation. That’s something Ben did all the fucking time, he’d leave me hanging based on supposed plans that never came through. The next day I discovered Ben sent me an email shortly after midnight, with the subject line reading:
Ben claimed when he left my place that night, he saw police outside, shining a flashlight inside his car and felt too frightened to return to my place again after my run-in with “those people” months before.
Where was this coming from? Why would Ben seeing police outside result in him deciding never to return again to my home, limiting our time together to seeing each other in public, and cause him to suddenly decide to move home with his parents? I’d told him about what went down when I met with them, and he knew there was nothing to worry about, there was nothing going on and they must have been mistaken. Ben also claimed they didn’t say a word to him and it sounded like some random group of police in the city at night, which is fairly common.
It made no sense why he felt so shaken up and his language also seemed… hokey, it wasn’t typical for Ben, it seemed like he was making this up just to throw me off like he seemed to enjoy doing so often. Once a few more emails came through from him, I wasn’t buying his story at all anymore. Of course I gave me 2 centers and still didn’t realize I couldn’t rip him a new one or call him out, I still thought Ben could be held accountable, which led to my demise.
We will talk and maybe see each other in public somewhere. I’ve never been that shook before and I’m not trying to start anything.
This was making absolutely no sense whatsoever, and Ben was a magnificent liar whereas this time it was blatantly obvious he was lying through his teeth. But not matter what I said, he’d manage to flip it back around on me, making me appear like I was the the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and the asshole. The last time i saw him, Ben kissed me goodnight and said he loved me only for this to be our next encounter; not only was this was ridiculous, but for Ben’s lying kills to be this shitty this meant something was truly off.
I guess I did kind snap and flip out on Ben a little bit, which isn’t good for his hypersensitive ego.
You’re right I could be over reacting to the whole police thing but instead of helping me and or calming me down to make me feel safe you attack me? Is that what you do to someone you care about?
I’ll admit I didn’t save my responses to him but they weren’t over the top or mean like he suggested in his responses. I felt like he was lying though, I knew he was lying, but I couldn’t prove it. His reaction just seemed so extreme over something as run of the mill as police in DC streets at night. If anything he should have felt safe knowing that police were around in my neighborhood, it’s not like either one of us was up to trouble. This was nonsense. Ben was back at his favorite past-time again: fucking with my head. That I was certain of, although he’d never admit it, just like he’d never admit any of the mind games he loved screwing my mind with.
Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down. By “baiting” you with a seemingly innocuous comment disguised as a rational one, they can then begin to play with you. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds – and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer. It helps to realize when you’re being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether.
This annoying game dragged on for the entire week – first claiming he was too scared to come back, then attacking me for questioning the validity of his claims instead of supporting him during a time of need. This was Ben’s way of dangling the discard carrot in front of my face indirectly in a way that he could claim was clearly not an attempt to discard me. The boy wasn’t content unless he was fucking with my head and provoking me. As stupid as it sounds, this whole ordeal threw me off for the entire week, I was depressed and on edge and convinced I’d never see Ben again. That Thursday night, I noticed something: the sex toy cabinet that Ben had stocked full of adult novelties was empty. Ben had been filling it for the last 9 months and suddenly nothing was there. What the hell? That little turd face had taken them all home with him before leaving that night, there was nowhere else they could have gone. He hadn’t seen police for certain, that was all one giant excuse for ending things with me but not wanting me to call him out for discarding me like always.
I was so angry at Ben and his never-ending mind games. He refused to respond to my email, leaving me to feel discarded yet again. Then Saturday morning, I received the email below, with Ben now wanting to come over, his words phony as all get out.
I just dropped [other boyfriend] off and might go to school. If I hear from you I’m open to talking, fucking or just hanging out. The police thing still scares me but you’ve been a good friend for the most part so I don’t see that ending so easily.
That little fucking turd face: he had me squirming for an entire week, and all for nothing?!?!?
Turd face squared had chosen to bait me into a mind-fucking, impossible argument that threw me off for an entire week only to send me the above and stop over that day. Of course there was no apology and he insisted the police incident was real and traumatizing.
Later on in rereading his emails, I noted something, which I underlined below:
Come to find out Ben had been snooping through my cell phone and email and saw that I referred to him as a narcissist in communication I had with my therapist. I didn’t notice Ben’s Freudian slip above about “talking behind my back about me to other people” until several weeks later. I approached him about this and he was honest for once, at least so I believe, in admitting to reading what I’d sent to my therapist about him. He’d planned out this whole thing because of my use of the goddamn, other “n-word.”
All that aside, why was Ben so fixated on “those people,” and why did he even have a unique name he referred to these officers with? His other boyfriend was an informant for “those people,” he’d foreshadowed the instance when they called me and I went with a lawyer, hell, the first time I met “those people” was shortly after calling Ben the other “n-word” and it never made a lick of sense why they’d contacted me of all people for questioning when I knew next to nothing about John. Strange… but at the time, I didn’t give it much thought. Despite adoring Ben to no end, he was so bad — lying, cheating, constant mischief — he’s the last person who’d be associated with Police.
I figured he was just being Ben and trying to inject fear into the environment whenever he could by bringing up “those people.” Only it didn’t inject fear in me because I had no reason to be fearful, what it did was annoy the hell out of me and make me wonder why he was so freaking obsessed with the the goddamn police. That obsession, and the increase in Freudian slips would later be what indirectly told me the real reason behind Ben referencing “those people” and their repeated appearances in my life.
In just a bit of time I’d find out why… well, kinda…
All piano songs composed and performed by me.